Dads' Dilemma

It'

s a Saturday morning in Singapore, and around 20 men have turned up at the Chongfu Primary School to hear Wong Suen Kwong give a talk about fathering. Wong, who heads an NGO called the Centre for Fathering, begins his presentation with a PowerPoint slide declaring his organization's purpose: "Inspiring fathers to be involved with their children's lives." A little way into the meeting, one of the men explains his way of rising to this challenge. He has rigged up his home with over $2,000 worth of remotely operated camera equipment, so that when he's at work he can log onto the Internet and see what his kids are doing. A ripple of laughter spreads through the room, but there's a touch of ruefulness about it because many of today's fathers find it equally hard to be fully involved with their children.

"You have plans for your careers," Wong continues. "You have savings plans. You have vacation plans. But how many of you have a parenting plan?" Not a hand goes up and the room falls silent save for the soft drone of an air conditioner. It's embarrassing for these upstanding burghers of Singapore—so methodical and conscientious in their professional lives—to dwell upon the possibility that they might be falling short at home, but Wong lets them fidget and cough for a few more moments before resuming. "Watching your children over the Internet is one thing," he says, "but the goal of parenting is to get them to do the right thing when you're not looking." And there are plenty of hours in the day when Asian fathers are not looking.

Take a day in the life of Wong Kam-hung, a 38-year-old Hong Kong buyer of plastic goods. He's at the office by 8 a.m., leaves between 12 and 13 hours later, and gets back to his high-rise suburban apartment at around 10 p.m. His four kids—one is 11, one is 5 and there are 2-year-old twins—are in bed by 11 at the latest, leaving him one hour to spend with them if he's lucky. At the same time as seeing to them, an exhausted Wong also tries to relax and have his evening meal. This is on one of his better parenting days. Half the time, he isn't at home at all, because his job constantly takes him to China. "I'm gone half the year," he says. "I feel like I don't give the children enough care."

Fathers all over Asia share that sense of guilt over their inability to balance work and parenthood. Dr. Sanjay Chugh, a New Delhi psychiatrist, says these harried, overburdened men stream through his consulting rooms: "Indian fathers have less and less time to spend with their children. When stress goes up for a father, it affects not only the quantity of time he spends with his children but the quality." Some, like a 35-year-old human-resources manager in Tokyo, who asked not to be named, blame unsympathetic employers. "At my old workplace, most of the people in my department didn't have children," he says. "I don't think they understood the importance. I was unable to take any holidays after the birth of my son." Others point to the old Asian culture of networking, in which deals are done over endless cups of sake and soju. "I really thought I'd be the kind of father who spends a lot of time with his kids," sighs Ahn Chan, an office worker in Seoul. But, come evening, he feels obliged to drink with colleagues and clients, and hardly sees his 4-year-old. "Sometimes when we run into each other, she looks very sad and starts demanding that I stay at home," he says.

Every day, pleading overwork, millions of men cancel millions of promises made to millions of children. Dads cannot read bedtime stories or go to the park. Dads are in their offices, or on the road, or on conference calls. The effects of this physical or emotional absenteeism are actually quantifiable: numerous academic studies have shown that children with distant fathers score lower on tests of empathy, reasoning and brain development than those whose fathers are more involved. The former behave more aggressively, don't get on as well with siblings, tend to be less popular in school and are more reluctant to take responsibility for their misbehavior. In 2002, the U.S. National Center for Policy Analysis concluded that kids with physically absent fathers were up to three times more likely to use drugs and engage in criminal behavior. Last month, an Israeli study reported that children with absent fathers were more likely to have trouble forming new relationships, whether the absences were permanent or shorter term. When children reach school age, Australian psychologist Paul Amato found, fathers are even more important to self-esteem than mothers.

Not surprisingly, the more involved the father, the smarter and better adjusted kids tend to turn out. A 1993 Harvard study showed that the amount of time a father spends with his children can actually affect their ability at math, and that children whose fathers encourage them in sports are more successful in their adult careers. Other researchers have found that children who were fathered well are more tolerant and socially responsible as adults. Precisely the same behavior is shown in the animal world: as part of his PowerPoint presentation, Wong Suen Kwong tells the story of how orphaned young male elephants in a South African game reserve began killing rhinos and threatening vehicles. When older bulls were introduced to the park, he says, the killings and delinquency stopped.