People

THE SCORE

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Lady Justice, evidently not an US Weekly reader, has ruled against professional celebrity PARIS HILTON, sentencing her to 45 days in jail for driving with a suspended license. Celebrity blogsite DEFAMER mock-gasps at the decision, which it claims "has shaken our faith in celebrity slap-on-the-wrist justice." SCORE: 19,240

Forget SPIDER-MAN 3's record haul. Sony executive Michael Lynton (speaking to the BBC) is already talking about "a fourth, a fifth and a sixth and on and on ... as many as we can make good stories for." (According to some critics, that criterion didn't govern Spider-Man 3.) No word yet on whether director Sam Raimi or star Tobey Maguire will return. SCORE: 1,500

The now infamous tape of a drunken DAVID HASSELHOFF (shot by his 16-year-old daughter) has Wired.com's UNDERWIRE blog deploying a little child psychology: "How else is a teenager supposed to act out when [her father is a] hard-partying celebrity? You hit [them] where it hurts--their public image." SCORE: 1,134

Ousted on-air personality DON IMUS is suing his erstwhile employer CBS, saying the company contractually required him to be "irreverent" and even "controversial." (Contract fulfilled!) Media blogsite JOSSIP poses this koan: "When a disgraced former radio host gets fired ... and there's still $40 million left on his contract, will anyone write him a check?" SCORE: 1,105

HELEN MIRREN, Oscar-winning star of The Queen, would rather break bread with Nic Cage than dine (by invitation) with the Queen of England. What could be more important than royalty? asks hipster travel guide JAUNTED, rhetorically. South Dakota! That's where Mirren is filming a National Treasure sequel. SCORE: 144