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SHOCKING

Russia considers banning SOUTH PARK. Beats what it did to Georgia

LANCE ARMSTRONG to attempt eighth Tour de France title and fifth look-alike girlfriend

STEPHEN COLBERT'S DNA to be shot into space

LONELYGIRL15 makes friends with MySpace, gets online show

MICKEY ROURKE wrestling film wins accolades at Venice Film Festival. Yes. Mickey Rourke

TORI SPELLING tops David Sedaris with New York Times No. 1 best seller. Her family is weirder

ASHTON KUTCHER coaching Los Angeles high school football. Right back where Demi Moore found him

O.J. SIMPSON trial, Version 2.0

PREDICTABLE

STEVE JOBS: Not dead yet

PAN'S LABYRINTH director Guillermo del Toro booked with monster-movie projects through 2017

GHOSTBUSTERS 3 in the works. Who ya gonna call? GUILLERMO DEL TORO!

MADONNA dedicates Like a Virgin to Pope. POPE dedicates You're Going to Hell (Remix) to Madonna

TOBEY MAGUIRE considering two more Spider-Man films, two more summerhouses

LINDSAY LOHAN turns down Playboy offer. Even she realizes we've seen enough

RENT closes on Broadway despite abundance of American Idol castoffs

Bickering CHRIS MATTHEWS and KEITH OLBERMANN removed from MSNBC election-night anchor chairs

KATY PERRY disses BRITNEY at MTV Awards, still wants to kiss her

SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE