SHOCKING
JEFF PROBST to host reality show starring terminally ill people. Because being on a crappy TV show is totally the way to go out
SCARLETT JOHANSSON to host Nobel Prize concert. Finally, she'll be the most attractive person in the room
NEEL KASHKARI oversees $700 billion U.S. bailout plan, still embarrassed by Rush quotes on high school yearbook page
Nicolas Sarkozy threatens to sue maker of VOODOO DOLL; doesn't realize it's just his arm falling asleep
Sarah Palin's fame skips action-figure stage, goes straight to TALES FROM THE CRYPT covers
LITTLE BIG PLANET video game pulled because of musical passages quoting Koran
Stalin comes in second in Russian poll of greatest leaders. Yeah, but PUTIN still sexiest!
Ex--New York Times reporter JUDITH MILLER to join Mike Huckabee, Karl Rove and ex--Clinton flack Howard Wolfson on Fox News' island of misfit toys
PREDICTABLE
BRAD PITT stars as Nazi hunter in Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds; watch out, TOM CRUISE
AC/DC refuses to sell new album over Internet. Angus Young's horse buggy has a CD player
ZIMA production halted. Teenage girls heading straight to scotch
GISELE and TOM BRADY wedding rumors. Matt Cassell to fumble ring
LIL WAYNE expecting first son, Lil Lil
This election just got hotter: Hustler shoots NAILIN' PAYLIN
HUGO CHAVEZ and SEAN PENN, friends forever
Fan wins honor of writing CLAY AIKEN'S Playbill bio. In other news, Aiken's SPAMALOT to shutter in January
SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE