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SHOCKING

Introducing Sasha Fierce, BEYONCE'S bid to further distance herself from Destiny's Child by becoming completely different person

JESSICA SIMPSON'S Major Movie Star No. 1 at Russian box office. Moscow threatens to respond with bomb of its own

ZAC EFRON'S fast-tracked Footloose remake + High School Musical 3's $42 million box office / Beverly Hills Chihuahua = JONAS BROTHERS' film debut in Walter the Farting Dog

MICHAEL PHELPS, A-ROD, KOBE, TONY HAWK star in pantless Guitar Hero ad

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES to appear as Cleopatra in Steven Soderbergh's 3-D rock musical, featuring the hit single

KIRK vs. SULU: Fight!

NBC enlists B.B. KING, FLAMING LIPS, B-52S to rerecord chime theme. Dumb, dumb, dumb

PREDICTABLE

DR PEPPER sticking by promise to give free soda to everyone in America if AXL ROSE releases Chinese Democracy before 2009

CABBAGE PATCH candidates!

Gus Van Sant to direct film of THE ELECTRIC KOOL-AID ACID TEST. Worst product tie-in ever

THOM YORKE, BJORK record single together, featuring 19 minutes of computer beats, Icelandic screeching

AMY POEHLER gives birth. Saturday Night Live cancels rest of season

ANNE HATHAWAY'S ex gets 4 1/2 years, eternal damnation for papal-embezzlement scheme

FALL OUT BOY attempts to break world record for most interviews ignored by listeners in 24-hour period

Internet poll calls HARRISON FORD best movie President. Somewhere, Ronald Reagan is wondering why he was disqualified

Sex scheduled around gym sessions? GUY RITCHIE--MADONNA divorce dirt arriving right on schedule

SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE