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SHOCKING

With no one left in Washington to attack, KEITH OLBERMANN signs four-year, $30 million contract

Turkish town of Batman sues makers of The Dark Knight. Nation plans to sue Butterball

Billy Ray Cyrus lobbies for Obama girls to appear on Hannah Montana

A 22-year-old Dane is youngest-ever World Series of Poker champ. Somethin's blingin' in the state of Denmark

WILL SMITH'S 10-year-old son JADEN to star in Karate Kid remake

Conan the Barbarian remake. Please, please cast VLADIMIR PUTIN

Obama Yes We Can album, the sound track of liberal earnestness

PREDICTABLE

COLDPLAY crowned year's biggest worldwide act. You're such a wuss, World

JACK BLACK to star as Gulliver

NICOLE KIDMAN to portray world's first post-op transsexual

BEYONCE wants to play Wonder Woman. Jay-Z to shell out for invisible jet

Impresario's departure scuttles Brokeback Mountain opera. Guess he did know how to quit you

ANTONIO BANDERAS in talks to play Salvador Dalí

Puppycam!

Japanese to remake Sideways. Nice to see them steal one of our films for a change

LINDSAY LOHAN says she's bisexual, not lesbian. News to SAMANTHA RONSON

SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE