Joel Stein on Super Sunday

Other kids wanted to be Rudy, Rocky or Seabiscuit; my dream was to be the guy who gave those inspirational sports heroes a motivational speech. I could be responsible for great triumph without having to work out, get punched or spend my retirement having sex with females chosen by other people. I see a less Hefneresque retirement for myself.

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But I've never had the opportunity to give that great speech, since people — even the nice people who run TIME's softball team and whose most threatening competitor is the Village Voice — keep me far away from crucial sports moments. But a true champion doesn't wait for destiny, he destinies for wait! I had a long way to go.

For my training, I turned to former Pittsburgh Steelers coach Bill Cowher, who won Super Bowl XL. Cowher explained that every great speech has to present players with a challenge, a plan to meet that challenge and an incentive for meeting that challenge. Then he retold the most effective speech he ever gave to a team. "When Christopher Columbus left and got on the boat, everyone told him not to go because the world is flat and he's going to fall off the face of the earth," began Cowher. I realized then that there is probably a good deal of history that would be new to professional football players. But Cowher ended the Columbus speech with a great line: "You can't allow history to determine your future. But you can let the future determine your history." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it did make me want to hit someone really hard while they're running for a field goal. (See pictures of Super Bowl entertainment through the ages.)

Amazingly, Cowher said it was not a problem that I don't know anything about football. "They've heard all the football things. What can be more intriguing to them is what you do." So together we crafted a story from journalism, and then, with nothing but a dream, grit and a connection at the NFL Network, I went off to try my speech on famous football players.

I started with seven-time Pro Bowler, NFL Network analyst and Super Bowl XXXIV winner Marshall Faulk. "It won't work on me," said Faulk before I even started. "I've never sat there and really paid attention to what was being said. If I'm playing in the Super Bowl, and I've dreamed about it as a kid, what's the inspirational speech for? It's like giving Barack Obama a speech right before the Inauguration. 'I'm going to get you motivated, Barack!' Are you serious?" This was not the inspirational speech a man needed before delivering an inspirational speech.

Still, I took a deep breath and told Faulk about a scrappy, overachieving journalist who was given three days to put together a cover story about George Clooney — a man who had been covered in every way, from every possible angle. Every idea that the journalist came up with — like a poker game with Clooney's friends — the actor shot down. So this journalist took a risk that no other celebrity profiler had ever taken: he invited Clooney over to his house for dinner. And the journalist cooked and cooked, and maybe the rack of lamb he undercooked, but he got that cover story. Big days, I told Faulk, require taking big chances. There was silence on the other end. "That's a great story," Faulk said. "My question would be, If that's your story, what the hell are you doing coaching? But if you were getting your editing crew going, that would work great." I felt pretty good until I realized you can get an editing crew going with free pizza.

Wanting to test my speech on someone who had actually listened to a motivational speech before, I called Rod Woodson, an 11-time Pro Bowler, NFL Network analyst and Super Bowl XXXV winner. "Everybody is not Marshall," Woodson said. "A lot of guys under pressure can fall to pieces if someone is not kicking them in the rear to get them going." I gave Woodson the old Clooney rallying speech, and the disadvantages of having an audience who listens became clear. "I'd give it a C minus," said Woodson. "You need a little more emotion behind it." For a model, he suggested I listen to a tape of retired Giants defensive end Michael Strahan before last year's NFC Championship game in Green Bay. "He said, 'It's cold out here. It's freezing. I can't feel my toes. But it's temporary. Winning is forever.' That's a good one." I couldn't believe man vs. nature could trump man vs. stale celebrity-interview tropes. Then I remembered that these guys have probably never read Jack London.

So I'm working on a new speech, one about a guy who battles wind and snow to see a movie at Sundance he heard had a sweet after-party that Virginia Madsen might attend. If the Steelers or the Cardinals are interested, I can motivate myself to Tampa in a second.

See pictures of the New York Giants winning Super Bowl XLII.

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