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SHOCKING

Good Friday becomes Great Friday after GIRLS GONE WILD commercials air during Vatican telecast

JAMIE FOXX'S suggestion that MILEY CYRUS make a sex tape is somehow less disturbing than his mockery of her gums

SIMON COWELL insinuates he may quit American Idol, leaving no one to prop up Paula

Super-duper-Catholic MEL GIBSON to get divorced

Superman artist JOE SHUSTER revealed to be one kinky dude

Michael Crichton's posthumous book is about PIRATES. Even in death, the man is frighteningly prescient

STEPHEN COLBERT gets space station ... treadmill named after him

GLENN BECK to take comedy show on road. You'll laugh till he cries

PREDICTABLE

BOBBY JINDAL to write book

Jane Austen zombie author to write ABE LINCOLN vampire novel. Plans to follow up with Helen Keller: Werewolf Hunter

LINDSAY LOHAN gets Marilyn Monroe--quote tattoo. Elton John prepares Candle in the Wind remix

The Hills star LAUREN CONRAD to guest on Family Guy

BILLY BOB THORNTON'S band denies concert cancellations are result of disastrously grumpy radio interview

KANYE WEST becomes last possible celebrity on earth to launch energy-drink line

KANYE WEST becomes last possible celebrity on earth to launch energy-drink line

BLAGO lobbies for NBC reality show even though his life is basically one already

And THIS, thankfully, comes to an end

SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE