Starting Time

Person of the Week
ON THE GROUND With the subcontinent on edge and Afghanistan struggling, the U.S. sends in its top diplomat, Secretary of State Colin Powell, who soothed in Delhi and Islamabad and talked moola in Kabul, promising "significant" aid—though less than the $22 billion Afghanistan wants

Noted
"They get a jump- suit. They don't get to pick the color."
BRIGADIER GENERAL MIKE LEHNERT,
Guantanamo security chief, responding to criticism of harsh U.S. treatment of al-Qaeda and Taliban prisoners

Prime Number
400 euro notes consumed could cause serious illness, according to the European Central Bank, which says the bills' inks and dyes are mildly toxic

Omen
The N.Y.P.D. seized 91 bags of heroin stamped with the logo of the World Trade Center in what police are calling an attempt by dealers to cash in on Sept. 11

Winners
DAME EDNA EVERAGE
Cross-dressed Aussie gets role on Ally McBeal. You'll know they've jumped the shark when an Edna-Ally-Bon Jovi love triangle is revealed
STEPHEN DOWNING
Mentally impaired Briton is freed after 27 years in prison for a bum murder rap. At least he got to miss the Thatcher years
LARRY KING
Voluble host re-signs with CNN for nearly $7 million a year. Heck, we'd chat with a totally with-it babe like Angie Dickinson for free
Losers
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
Her Majesty may sacrifice her royal train to cut costs. She'll give up the train, maybe even the stage coach, but never, ever, the palanquin
ADAM ANT
'80s rocker sent to the shrinks for waving a gun at a London pub. He used to do that in feathers and makeup and called it a "video"
MEL LASTMAN
Toronto mayor in trouble after shaking hands with a Hell's Angel. He says he'd been hanging with Nazis all day and needed a break

THE GLOBALIZATION THEORY To the always irreverent papers in Beirut, the situation smelled of sweet, sweet irony: the President of the U.S. nearly killed by the product of his country's own cultural imperialism. The Kifah al-Arabi daily called the snack in question a "terrorist biscuit," and noted that "this incident highlighted the harmful effects of the fast-food products promoted by the 'globalization' of the United States."

THE RECESSION THEORY President Bush may have the highest approval ratings since George Washington had real teeth, but not even a quick victory over a hopelessly outmatched enemy can save a President from the dreaded R word. As Britain's National Post suggested, what better way to choke-start the flagging American economy than a presidential endorsement of a $1.6 billion-a-year snack food?

THE ZIONIST PLOT THEORY In a notion that ranks somewhere below the "Israel was responsible for Sept. 11" and "Paul is dead" theories, Saudi Arabia's English-language Arab News sniffed whiffs of a Zionist conspiracy behind Bush's accident. If the pretzel had long-term health effects on the President, the paper noted, "a troubled White House's foreign policy will click back on its traditional Zionist track.

Annals of Fashion
Dressed to Kill

As the short-lived conflict in Afghanistan shows, today's lean, mean terrorism fighting machine is not your old Uncle Sam's Army. It has the latest in cool gadgetry, the unwavering support of the country and, now, a chance to ditch the bowl haircuts. After all, what's the point of feeling like a great soldier unless you look like a great soldier? This spring, the Pentagon will radically loosen the military's dress codes. It's not exactly like hiring Tom Ford to redesign combat fatigues, but it's a start. Notebook's suggestion: ditch the M-16. It's so 1968.

ALLOWED Cornrows or braids, baldness (both voluntary and "involuntary"), dyed hair if it looks "natural" (no blue, pink or fire-engine red), and one pager, cell phone or digital organizer per person (but not all three, since grenades have to go somewhere).

NOT ALLOWED Dreadlocks, colored contacts and, on men, nail polish or visible body piercings (because it can be hard to tell a minor shrapnel wound apart from a badly conceived nipple ring). Nail polish is O.K . for women, so long as it's not blue, black, khaki or—things really are changing—camouflage.

Korea's Tidy Bowl Men
By CHISU KO/Seoul

Latrine duty With up to 400,000 spectators descending on South Korea for this summer's World Cup and kimchi—or maybe even some dogmeat—on the menu, the only thing that may be more stressed than the stomachs of gastronomically challenged visitors will be the state of the nation's toilets. Fortunately, the South Koreans are more than prepared. If you find your World Cup toilet in Seoul is less than world class, don't hesitate to call Loo 911. Seoul Metropolitan Government's Toilet Improvement Task Force promises to swirl into action, descending upon the offending facility. Once the porcelain gleams again, they will hand a yellow card to the toilet's manager promising a second round of inspections. Seoul's commode cops have done 12,000 inspections and issued more than 7,400 yellow cards in the past two years. Call that anal-retentiveness, but there's no chance that image-conscious South Koreans will be let down by a less than polished potty. According to Pyo Hae Ryung, director of a citizens' group working with the Task Force: "Korean toilets got lucky with the Cup, it's a chance that comes every 100 years." Facilities that clean up their acts are rewarded by the mayor, sometimes with cash and sometimes with bronze doorplates indicating their rank. But the bathroom curve is extremely high, with only two five-star toilets in the entire city. No reservations accepted.