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Person of the Week
Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf has granted himself sweeping new constitutional powers that strengthen his ability to thwart political opponents, including exiled former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. Musharraf, an army general, still maintains he is a force for democracy in Pakistan. But there can be no fair elections under his reforms.

Verbatim
"We're going to beat him up pretty bad."
BEN WALLACE,
Detroit Pistons forward, on the U.S. national team's plans to give Chinese center and No. 1 draft pick Yao Ming a hot N.B.A. welcome in an exhibition game

"Why would you go to a party when they want to throw pies at you?"
FRED L. SMITH JR.,
President, Competitive Enterprise Institute, applauding George W. Bush's decision not to attend the World Summit on Sustainable Development

"I tried to look after their souls, but it was God's decision.
ABU QUASSEY,
human smuggler, after 353 Afghan and Iraqi refugees drowned when his leaky boat sank on the way to Australia

"He could have become the hero of the floods."
VIT KAHLE,
Prague Zoo spokesman, lamenting the death by exhaustion of Gaston, a seal who escaped his enclosure as flood waters rose and swam 300 km before expiring

Numbers
$20 billion is the amount of damage caused by the recent massive flooding in Europe, according to E.U. officials
4.3 million Americans were treated in hospital emergency rooms for sports-related injuries over a 12-month period ending in the summer of 2001, according to government researchers
3.5 million Americans landed in emergency rooms due to auto accidents over the same period
25% is how much more attractive people appeared to subjects under the influence of alcohol in a Scottish study
20 elephants are struck by vehicles in Bangkok every month, prompting authorities to announce a law last Thursday barring the animals from city streets

Omen
U.S. undertakers are offering bereaved families the option of converting the cremated remains of their loved ones into wearable, jewelry-quality artificial diamonds—a process that takes about 16 weeks

Winners
RIAN HEIDICK
Former porn star is cast for next season of Survivor. Reality show's producers say his audition tape was the best they'd ever seen
MICHAEL JACKSON
King of Pop produces his third child. The infant has his father's eyes, nose, chin and years of plastic surgery to look forward to
FERNANDO HENRIQUE CARDOSO
President of economically troubled Brazil creates Switzerland-sized national park, invites Swiss to move right in—and bring their banks
Losers
LI KA-SHING
Hong Kong magnate loses controversial bid for a stake in TV station, says he only wanted to spare viewers more David Letterman reruns
MICHAEL KOPPER
Enron exec pleads guilty to money laundering and agrees to give back $12 million in illicit gains as soon as the spin cycle is finished
ALI RAFII
Iranian director banned from theater because a character in one of his plays sips wine onstage. Next: breathalyzer tests for Iranian poets