Wedding Wisdom

• Share

Mess with your wife's favorite radio stations, and you could open yourself up for a nice long talk about the lost art of consideration. Just ask newlywed Kaet Ruffner, 26, whose husband Andy borrowed her car twice and reprogrammed her preset radio stations. "I got fired up because I felt like he wasn't respecting my property," says Kaet, who lives with her husband in Fairfax, Va. "Then I knew I had to communicate with him, not react. I told him I didn't mess with his stations, so please don't mess with mine. He said he was sorry and hasn't borrowed my car since then."

What kept Kaet from ultimately losing her cool? Nine prewedding sessions she and Andy had with an older, wiser couple — their marriage mentors. Consulting this new breed of counselor is becoming increasingly common among soon-to-be-marrieds who are in search of wisdom about navigating marital obstacles. Marriage mentoring is a venerable practice that's going mainstream. It has roots in the Roman Catholic Church, has spread to other denominations and is growing in popularity among secular groups. Since the mentoring is done by volunteers, it can provide counseling for those who can't afford a couples therapist. Many like it because the process seems more relaxed. The only expense is a premarital inventory test ($15 or so), which a couple takes to assess the relationship's strengths and weaknesses. Afterward, the clients meet with a trained volunteer couple at least five times to talk about everything from family to finances. "We try to get a couple to note and become aware of strengths, so that when they get into problems down the road, they don't start thinking they married the wrong person," says Harriet McManus, who with her husband Mike runs a nonprofit group called Marriage Savers based in suburban Washington. Couples like the Ruffners sing their mentors' praises. Says Andy: "If anything, the experience just reaffirmed all the reasons why I wanted to marry Kaet."