The Marriage Savers

Monday, Jan. 12, 2004 By RICHARD CORLISS AND SONJA STEPTOE
Therapist David Schnarch believes making couples more attached doesn’t help a marriage—and it kills sex
LANCE W. CLAYTON FOR TIME
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Roth suggested they get help. Meredith, who in her day job is a psychiatrist, was skeptical. "I can't tell you how many patients I have seen who have also been in marital therapy for a year or more," she says, "and all they do is scream at each other."

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They booked sessions with Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage, who practices in Woodstock, Ill., outside Chicago. While many marriage therapies last months or years, Weiner-Davis says, her patients were usually out in half a dozen visits. Her technique favors action, not introspection.

"Traditional approaches ask people to look at the past and figure out why they're stuck," says Weiner-Davis, whose graduate degree is in social work. "But that insight generally leads people only to be experts in why they're having a problem — and novices in what to do about it. People on the brink of divorce do not have the luxury of time to take this journey backward. They need an instant injection of hope." Weiner-Davis encourages a dose of what she calls "real giving"--asking couples to realize what their partner needs in certain situations and provide what he needs regardless of whether the giver understands it. For example, if your spouse prefers to be alone when he's upset, allow him quiet time, even if you prefer to talk when you're upset.

Weiner-Davis' action-oriented scheme suited Roth and Meredith. "It's really freeing to just focus on the solution and clear out all the muck," says Meredith. Weiner-Davis encourages couples to identify what they want the marriage to look like, then list actions they can take — dinner out once a week, playing tennis or golf together, help with the housework — to achieve those goals. "The concept of real giving is so simple, but it really gets at the heart of how to make a relationship work," says Meredith.

The approach appeals equally to both sexes. If a guy can be convinced that his marriage is like a rusty carburetor or a clogged kitchen sink, he may be stirred to fix it. "I think men are hesitant to go into therapy because they feel they're going to be targeted," Roth says. "Michele's approach is pragmatic and practical. That's refreshing for a lot of men."

Some of Weiner-Davis' recipes earn hoots from others in the fractious fraternity of couples therapists. Of her advice that troubled couples should "just do it!"--have sex to jump-start a passionless marriage — Schnarch retorts, "Telling low-desire spouses to just do something just pisses them off. Most couples seeking help are angry, and angry sex isn't very generous. These people would rather poke each other's eyes out than stroke each other's genitals."

But she has plenty of satisfied customers — the Roth-Merediths, for two. They work (at their marriage) and play (she's now his band's official bass player). And their son, 4, has noticed the difference. When his parents fought, he used to throw things and scream. Now he sees his parents hugging and delights in squishing himself in to share the love. "I think it has improved the quality of his life," says Roth. "There's a lot more laughter in our house."

--CAN GOOD MARRIAGE BE TAUGHT? What if you could go to school instead of to a shrink? That's the idea behind Marriage Education. "It's less expensive and more effective than therapy," says Diane Sollee, 59, who gave up her marriage-therapy career to create the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. "The therapy model is 'I'll treat you, and, voila, your marriage will work.' The education model is much more respectful. It assumes there's nothing wrong with you — you're not sick. You just need better information, and it assumes you can apply it to your situation. It's also not a long-term process."

Every system sounds great — until you ask other marriage specialists about it. "To say therapy isn't working is absolutely wrong," Gottman insists. "These psycho-education interventions are powerful; you have to be careful about applying them. Currently, people in the marriage movement aren't being careful. They go ahead with tremendous optimism and convince people that this is key to family stability. I worry that it will all collapse when couples see that it can't be done that way. This isn't like driver ed." No, but when experts start comparing claims and stats, you hear the cacophony of rival used-car salesmen.

Is it the therapists who need educating? Or is it the Marriage Ed folks who need therapy? Somewhere there has to be detente between the clinical remoteness of one group and the evangelical salesmanship of the other — a middle ground, perhaps even a common ground. "A lot of therapy is education," says Gottman, "and a lot of education is therapy." At a time when America's marrieds and soon-to-bes are eager for mediation, the bickering of the two sides is unhelpful. Maybe both sides should consider this advice — both priceless and free — from that sage counselor Ogden Nash:

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.