The Secret Stash

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Is such dissembling an act of bad faith, or is it merely an act of pragmatism in an era when only half of marriages survive? "People still want to be committed to a long-term, lasting relationship, but we've become a society in which you can't depend on permanence," says New York University sociologist Kathleen Gerson. "They need to be and feel economically self-sufficient, but that flies in the face of our ideals of trust and companionship. Typically, when we are faced with two competing, irreconcilable values, we pursue both and deny the inherent contradiction," she explains. "One form of denial is secrecy."

Keeping secrets from the people we love is extremely common, experts say, and money is among the most difficult subjects for couples to discuss openly. Forty percent of the men and women polled by reader's digest in 2001 admitted lying to their spouses. The most frequent lie — covering up the price of a purchase — was money related. While such relatively minor fibs are by far the most common, women's more substantial financial secrets range from saving money to surprise a spouse with an expensive gift to hiding assets from a husband in anticipation of a divorce.

Of course, if an unsuspecting spouse discovers a large stash, it can undermine the trust in a marriage. Psychologists point to another danger: stashes that are used to avoid conflict. "Money is such a loaded issue, many couples don't have the communication skills to talk about it," says Ellyn Bader, co-founder of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, Calif. But if you never engage your husband in frank discussions about the budget, you may drift further apart, she warns. "I see lots of premature divorces among couples who keep things so toned down that eventually the relationship feels empty."

Many financial planners offer a fairly straightforward solution: three bank accounts — yours, mine and ours. Simply deposit the bulk of the family income into the "ours" account, which can be used to cover joint expenses, such as the mortgage. Then set aside a monthly allowance to be deposited in "his" and "hers" accounts, which can be spent as each partner pleases, no questions asked.

A Seattle couple has opted to stick with the stash but set aside the secrecy. Cindy, 53, started stockpiling cash in the late 1990s, when the family business slumped. "There was a lot of tension, and I had seen some ugly divorces," she explains. so she began to stow $100 bills in an old pair of alligator shoes hidden under a pile of hats in a closet. Two years ago, when the family finances had stabilized, she told her husband about her stash. By then it was so large--$12,000--that she felt he should know about it in case anything happened to her. They agreed to put the money in the bank, earmarked for a family trip.

Soon Cindy realized she missed her "security blanket," so she started stashing again, this time with her husband's knowledge. Last summer, when he decided to save for a trip to Israel with their son, her husband started his own stash. "He's not half as adept at it as I am," Cindy says, laughing. That's why she decided to help him out. Tucked into this year's birthday card was her contribution to his private cache: three crisp $100 bills.