Joint Custody Blues

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Joint custody blues are a sign of the times, a by-product of egalitarian marriages between working moms and involved dads, replacing the old "tender years" policy, in which mothers were routinely awarded primary custody and fathers were relegated to visitation. The reasoning behind joint custody sounds sensible. Divorce is traumatic for kids; why have them suffer the additional pain of losing a parent? Moreover, studies show children do better when two parents are involved. Kids have higher self-esteem, better grades and fewer behavioral problems. Add to that deadbeat-dad prevention: fathers with joint custody are more likely to share the expense of raising kids. Finally, there's the growing fathers' rights movement, which advocates equitable custody laws.

For Jamie Ayers, 32, of Pittsburgh, Pa., there was never any question he would participate equally in raising his son Austin, 5. "The generation of fathers before mine didn't do everything they could for their children," he says. "I wanted to take responsibility for bringing a child into this world and be dedicated to raising him." Yet when he and Austin's mom Dawn Williams split up, Williams fought to retain sole custody. "It was incredibly frustrating," Ayers explains. "She knew it was important for our son to have a father in his life but couldn't emotionally deal with it."

Williams defends her behavior. "Austin was only 2, and I thought he needed the consistency of sole custody," she explains. "The courts today aren't interested in what's best for the child; it's all about parents' rights." Besides, she says, letting go of her son every week so he could be with his dad has been excruciating. "I want to know where my child is all the time, that he's eating three meals a day and that he's happy, but I have to go five days without knowing."

There may be good reason to worry. Because the shared-physical-custody trend is relatively new, the outcomes of such arrangements are just beginning to be examined. A small 2002 study at Ohio State University involving 59 children and mothers found that kids in joint custody arrangements in which the parents did not get along were likely to feel sad and behave less cooperatively with others. They were also inclined to intervene in parental conflict themselves, something child psychologists strongly discourage.

For exes who find it impossible to get along, some psychologists suggest "parallel parenting." That means each household has its own set of rules, and the parents have a minimum of contact and communication. Richard Warshak, author of Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex, estimates more than half of divorced parents sharing custody follow this path.

But even that arrangement won't keep the peace for the angriest exes. Some parents never accept the fifty-fifty split and appeal endlessly to the courts for modifications, says Candice Komar, a family-law attorney in Pittsburgh. "They'll say it's in the best interest of the child to change the custody arrangement," she says. "But the truth is, often it's because joint custody is driving these parents crazy. I've had people consult me because they fight over whether their child wears a spring coat or a winter coat — and I'm not kidding."