Medicine: Sarsaparilla Caution

"Men! Are you skinny, tired, nervous, rundown? Try a bottle of sarsaparilla and watch those muscles grow." That is the sort of thing famed Hormone-Maker Russell Earl Marker of Penn State expected to see splashed all over the papers last week. Reason: he had just told chemists about his new, cheap, artificial production of three powerful sex hormones (testosterone, progesterone and desoxy-corticosterone), from sarsaparilla root compounds. A boon to doctors, Professor Marker's synthetic hormones will cost far less than natural sheep and cow products. Professor Marker warned Penn State's publicity department to warn the press not to sensationalize his sarsaparilla. Worried Penn State promptly sent out the following "confidential" release:

". . . We have tried to provide you with a popular angle, but there is obviously a point beyond which the scientists will not go. We have provided caution signals where we believe extreme care should be taken. . . "

"The source material from which the synthetic hormones have been prepared is derived from the lowly sarsaparilla root found in Mexico. It is called sarsasa-pogenin. (CAUTION: Please note that the source material is derived from the lowly sarsaparilla root. . . . The hormones themselves are not. -. .)

"The root itself has no beneficial qualities in the treatment of illness. More recently sarsaparilla has found a major role as a flavoring for soft drinks. (CAUTION: But please do not assume that the hormones are derived from a bottle of soda pop.)"