National Affairs: File Quickly Past

National Selected Morticians, Inc.. a "professional group" with headquarters in Chicago, considered the atomic age and was appalled. The average undertaker has probably never seen a Geiger counter, but it was obvious that he would soon have to face the problem of radioactive "remains." In hushed tones, on tiptoe, and with the little finger sympathetically but gracefully extended, as always, Mortuary Science, the magazine of National Selected Morticians, Inc., prepared the "funeral-service profession" for the worst.

It predicted that funeral services for those who have succumbed to the deathly atomic rays would be revolutionized: cremation of highly radioactive remains will be impossible because "radioactive particles . . . certainly would be borne away by the volatile gases."

The magazine cautioned morticians that "no person can remain long near a body that is even slightly radioactive unless he is "protected by lead-lined clothing." Its projected program for the burial of highly radioactive bodies: "Dispose of them summarily by sealing them in caskets . . . lowering the caskets into excavations floored by a copious layer of concrete and then completely surrounding them with more concrete poured to fill the excavations. The graves, of course, would be located in a secluded spot from which the public would forever be barred."

The article gave further instructions: "A team of embalmers working alternately and each exposing himself for only short periods, might complete the embalming process [upon remains not dangerously radioactive]. Such a body might be exhibited to public view provided the visitors file quickly past the bier. ..."

But National Selected Morticians, Inc. made it plain that there was no sense in taking too many chances. Remains that are dangerously radioactive, Mortuary Science concluded, will probably have to be interred by atomic scientists themselves.