The Press: You'll Simply Drool

As a special journalism project at the University of New Mexico, a senior named Joe Aaron wrote a thesis on classified ads in newspapers. In a survey of 8,000 ads in eight major U.S. dailies,* he found no sectional differences in language, except for "smog free" California real estate. A house is "cute," "a cutie," "adorable," "exquisite," "elegant," "a dandy," "magnificent," "glamorous," "spic & span," "clean as a pin," "a rare find"—and inevitably near everything and a "real bargain." A farm is never a farm but "a rural hideaway," "rustic retreat," or "secluded estate."

Many ads are in a kind of code. Prime example, from the Washington Star: "Pack, '51 dlx 4 dr, ultra, R.H., 1262 act mi." (Translation: 1951 Packard four-door deluxe with Ultramatic Drive, radio and heater, has been driven 1262 actual miles.) From the Denver Post: "New Ig Iv rm, frpl, 2 bdrm, Ig kt, exp attic cel gar." (Translation: a new house with a large living room with fireplace, two bedrooms, large kitchen, expansion attic and cellar garage.) Automobiles are "jim dandy," "slick as a whistle," "A-i," "just like new," "never a wreck," "peachy keen," and "loaded" (all the extras). The highest praise: "You'll simply drool."

Help Wanted ads seldom offer jobs—only "openings" and "positions." Babies to be cared for are always "darlings." Lost dogs are inevitably "the pet of an invalid grandmother" or belong to a "heartbroken little girl." Dogs for sale are recommended variously in classified newspaper ads as "love that money can't buy," "darlings," "cuddlies," and "swell pets." Most refined touch: a bitch with a litter of pups listed as a "matron."