Cradle & All. In Philadelphia, police found nine five-gallon cans of untaxed alcohol in the apartment of a man who protested: "I'm just baby sitting."

Home Ties. In Mondovi, Italy, a court ruled that Andrea Vicino had a perfect right to keep his 55-year-old wife chained in her bedroom each evening, to keep her from going out.

Home Lover. In Seattle, the King "ounty Humane Society six times found a home for Steko, a 68-lb. stray mongrel, six times saw him come sneaking back to the pound, once from 100 miles away, at ast found the dog a "permanent" address in Petersburg, Alaska, on Mitkof Island.

Connoisseur. In St. Louis, as four holdup men were leaving the home of Mr. & Mrs. William J. Roehl with $25,000 worth of loot, one remarked politely: "You certainly have a nice place here."

Down to Earth. In Syracuse, N.Y., a farmer who reported that he had lost thousands of dollars in the past four years was asked by Internal Revenue officials why he didn't quit farming, replied, "I've got to make a living, don't I?"

Touching. In Medford, Ore., red-faced officials of the United States National Bank found their vault's time clock set two days ahead by mistake, sheepishly got a loan from rival First National to conduct the day's business.

Wheels of Fortune. In Youngstown, Ohio, Municipal Judge John W. Powers told a man and woman charged with playing the numbers: "I hope you hit because you'll need it: $5 and costs each."

Doctor's Dilemma. In New York City, the Daily News medical columnist, Dr. Theodore R. Van Dellen, was asked whether men over 50 should wear suspenders or a belt, solemnly replied: "Whatever holds up the trousers."

Small Change. In St. Louis, Mrs. Louise Geers had to leave a bus after offering the driver a $5 bill, sued the bus company, won a $1.500 verdict when a court ruled that $5 is no longer a bill of large denomination "in the light of changed economic conditions."

Fleetfoot. In San Jose, Calif., the State College's police school had a new idea for keeping prospective cops on their toes: a mandatory course in ballet dancing.

Birds in Hand. In Bogota, Colombia, teaching three parrots to say three phrases paid off for Leovigildo Perez when he found three would-be burglars standing in the patio of his house, their hands held high, while the birds screamed, "Hands up," "Don't move," "Whoever moves a step will be killed."