Hollywood: Paper Dolls

Wind it up and it wrecks two marriages. What is it? The Elizabeth Taylor doll. You wind up the Jack Paar doll and it cries. Wind up the Jack Benny doll and it won't give back the key. Wind up the Marilyn Monroe doll and if it's on time it's broken.

Where can you buy all these dolls? Nowhere. You make them up. Nearly everyone in Hollywood is busy inventing nasty, nifty little dolls. Like the Dorothy Kilgallen doll. Wind it up and it snubs the Albert Schweitzer doll.

You wind up the Perry Como doll and it unwinds. Wind up the Ed Sullivan doll and it just stands there. Wind up the David Merrick doll and it auctions off its mother. No point trying to wind up the Jayne Mansfield doll—it's busted. Wind up the Brigitte Bardot doll, on the other hand, and it drops the towel.

A lot of these dolls are too dirty to wind up.

The writer dolls are very talented. Wind up the Carl Sandburg doll, and it winds up the Abe Lincoln doll. The Lincoln doll walks 16 miles and comes back with a pretty penny for the Bruce Catton doll. Wind up the John O'Hara doll and it goes to Princeton. You wind up the Graham Greene doll and it confesses.

Segregationists in the Deep South are collecting money to ship the N.A.A.C.P. doll to the North—you wind it up and it moves into your neighborhood. Wind up the Fidel Castro doll and it turns red. Wind up the Nikita Khrushchev doll and it tries to bury you.

In fact, political dolls seldom do what you want them to. You wind up the Ike doll and it does nothing for eight years. Before you wind up the Kennedy doll, sell all your securities. Then wind up the bull doll and it bears down.