Time Essay: The Scariest Time of the Year

No matter what you have heard to the contrary, the Druids knew what they were doing. On Halloween, for example (their festival of Samhain), they would call forth the terrifying spirits of their world for the purpose of collecting them in one place and then driving them off. Holidays degenerate, unfortunately. Our own odd Halloweens have dwindled to occasions for guilty-looking parents to lurk under street lamps, while pipsqueaks in Darth Vader masks pass themselves off as terrifying spirits. But what shall we do with our real terrors? If a group of heathen tree lovers, like the Druids, could rid their world of its fears merely by throwing a party for them, could we not do likewise?

It is worth a try. Here and now, as we approach the scariest time of the year, let our monsters come before us:

VOICES OF TERROR l)Hi. My name is Jeff, and I'm your waiter. The chef has prepared a bluefish today, with a...

2) Ladies and gentlemen: the Bee Gees!

3) ... and Sam Donaldson with the President in Air Force One.

4) May I talk to you—alone?

5) Ladies and gentlemen: the Who!

6) Random House proudly announces the publication of the autobiography of a major American family. It's called Wallechinsky, and it's about...

7) His talk—"Canadian Utility Rates: the Long View"—may run a bit over the time allotted. But I'm sure that you'll agree ...

8) Yes, I've written a novel. And you 're in it.

9) Ladies and gentlemen: the Grateful Dead!

10) No problem.

NIGHT WITHOUT END 7:30 Happy Days (R)

8:00 The Brady Bunch (R)

8:30 The Toni Tennille Show. Guests: Erik Estrada, John Davidson, Dr. Joyce Brothers

9:00 Washington Week in Review (R)

9:30 Ironside (R)

10:00 CBS Sports Spectacular. National roller disco championships (semifinals); cricket from Ottawa (live); legends of bowling

10:30 The John Davidson Show. Guests: Toni Tennille, Erik Estrada, Dr. Joyce Brothers 11:00 Maude (R) 11:30 The Best of Carson. Guests: Toni Tennille, others

12:00 Movie: Crazy Hondas (1979). Erik Estrada, Dr. Joyce Brothers (3 hrs.)

THE TURN OF THE SCREW

No parking. No standing. No soliciting. No loitering. Post no bills. No fishing. Driver does not make change. No swimming from dock. No swimming from bridge. No vacancy. Keep off. Keep out. Out to lunch. Out of gas. No trespassing. No talking. Authorized personnel only. No checks cashed. No checks accepted. Do not touch. No refunds. No ballplaying. No visitors beyond this point. No admission. Full. Closed. No children. No turns. Do not enter. Wrong way. Stop. Yield.

THEM Bo and John Derek

IT 10

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS 1) Dear Mr. Doe: This mailing is only going out to the 15 most intelligent people in the U.S., because...

2) Dear Tenant: The heat...

3) Dear Mr. John Doe: How would you like to wake up one morning in your home at 2121 Elm Street to learn that you and your wife Mrs. Helen Doe have just won ...

4) Hi Gang!

Well, here's that old Christmas letter again. Mary ("Groucho," to her friends) thought that you all might be getting sick and tired of this annual epistle. But I told her...

5) Dear Guardian of Nature: