AMERICANA: That's the Way It Isn't

Sakowitz, a Houston department store that tries to give pretentiousness a good name, amuses its millionaire patrons with tongue-in-checkbook "ultimate gifts" in its Christmas catalogue. Among this year's offerings: a professionally filmed documentary of your life for $50,000, a private island and lighthouse in the Pacific for $750,000, your wife's weight in loose 10-carat diamonds at $4 million per lb. and an offshore oil rig, capable of drilling in 300 ft. of water, for $28.7 million.

But for those who would just prefer good food and conversation with interesting people, Sakowitz is advertising a $94,125 dinner with the likes of CBS Newscaster Walter Cronkite and 20 other celebrities, including Pool Professional Minnesota Fats, Economist Milton Friedman and Feminist Gloria Steinem.

Last week Cronkite sent his RSVP: a telegram demanding that Sakowitz "cease and desist" advertising him as available. It turns out that the store had obtained the names from a speakers bureau that represents Cronkite, but the bureau had never cleared the idea with him. Just one less mouth to feed.