Sexes: Pitching Motherhood and Pepsi

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Ralph: Nolo contendere, my polemical one. He shouldn't have done it, but he's on the board of Gannett, which owns the newspaper, and he wasn't paid for it.

Wanda: You mean, since he's on the board, he's paid in a different way. What about Ronald Reagan's old ads for Chesterfield cigarettes, General Electric alarm clocks and toasters and wrinkle-free Van Heusen shirts? Isn't he a public figure?

Ralph: Reagan was an entertainer when he sold us all those products, Wanda. If Gerry were an actress, a tennis star or a famous guitar banger, no one would mind if she put her prestige behind miracle toilet-bowl cleaners and remedies for the heartbreak of psoriasis--at least if she dropped all the piety about women's choices and just rolled up her sleeves and sold the stuff.

Wanda: So Ferraro is the only one who's wrong, is that it, Ralph? You don't suppose this whole flap is being blown out of proportion to keep her from running for the Senate?

Ralph: I'm glad you brought that up, dearest. Senator Alfonse D'Amato, the fellow Gerry might run against, says he prefers Coke now, because of the Ferraro ad. This means D'Amato and Ferraro could split the cola vote, and a third-party, 7-Up candidate might slip into the Senate. I needn't tell you what an uncola Senator may do to the two-cola political system as we know it. Before you know it, Orange Crush and Yoo-Hoo will have their own Senators too.

Wanda: You don't mind arguing while I go on up to bed, do you, Ralph? I want to take a peek at my Howard Baker newspaper, set my Ronald Reagan alarm clock and get out the Eleanor Roosevelt margarine to soften overnight for tomorrow morning's unendorsed English muffins, all the while pondering your powerful arguments about Ferraro.

Ralph: Wait, Wanda! I want to say a word about retroendorsements. You know what I mean--endorsements that might have been if other people had been as alert as Gerry. I'm thinking of Abe Lincoln for Log Cabin syrup, Torquemada for flame-broiled whoppers or Judas Iscariot for Franklin Mint silver coins. With artistic control, Judas wouldn't actually have to hold the coins up or anything. His kids could be shown flipping them casually in the background among the Roman soldiers.

Wanda: That'll do, Ralph. I'm turning off my Zenith hearing aid. Over and out.