My Failed Jobs Program

One of those 2 million jobs created in the U.S. last year -- the ones President Clinton is so proud of -- was created by me. Around September, I decided to hire an assistant. I dreamed of mundane clerical and research tasks being lifted from my shoulders, so that I could devote myself more fully to pure cogitation on the pressing issues facing humankind. Less nobly, I dreamed of joining the ranks of those Washingtonians who have "aides." Perhaps, I fantasized, I would even have a "key aide" or a "senior aide."

And, needless to say, there would be no "Zoe Baird problem." I was among those people who had spent the early months of 1993 feeling mighty smug because I have always paid the Social Security tax for my once-a-week cleaning lady and have the paperwork to prove it. This second demonstration of my job- creating prowess would not be allowed to mar that record. Anyway, the paperwork would not be my problem. What are assistants for, after all?

Little did I realize. The government makes it comically difficult for the honest citizen to hire a single employee -- and makes it virtually impossible to do it correctly. I'm fairly bright. My assistant is very bright. Between us we have spent many, many hours struggling over the forms. Yet it is inconceivable that we can have got it all right. Now, as a result of my rash attempt to create a job, neither one of us can ever become Attorney General.

Obeying the rules for a part-time household employee is fairly simple, once you get the hang of it. The government sends you a form every three months. You return it with an easy-to-compute check. Once a year, the government sends you a W-2 form, which you fill out in something like octuplicate.

But hiring a full-time business employee plunges you into an entirely new dimension of complexity. By my count (which undoubtedly is wrong), it takes a minimum of 37 different forms and 50 separate checks to hire a single employee for a year, even if she graciously agrees to be paid only once a month.

Forms. At the federal level, there is the employer-registration form, which gets you your employer number; the W-4, which counts the employee's deductions; the annual W-2, listing all income earned and taxes withheld; the W-3, summarizing all the W-2s (required, even when there is only one W-2); Form 941, "Employer's Quarterly Federal Tax Return"; plus forms with each check you write. The District of Columbia requires its own employer- registration form (with, of course, a different employer number); its own D-4 model of the federal W-4; and the ever-popular FR-900BO, "Annual Reconciliation and Report," plus forms with each check.

Checks. Once a month, one check goes to the employee, and another goes to pay for health insurance. One monthly check goes to the feds and another goes to the District of Columbia, reflecting federal income-tax withholding, federal Social Security and Medicare (employee's and employer's shares), and local income-tax withholding. Separate checks go to the feds and the District of Columbia -- only one a year each! -- for unemployment insurance. (The District of Columbia form is called "Quarterly" but needs to be filed annually. Or so I think.) The chance that all these checks are for the right amounts is slim.