The Absolutely Last Oscar Piece You Have to Read in 1994

AIR TIE ALERT. Of 24 male performers who either presented or won awards at last week's Academy Awards ceremony, seven -- 29% -- didn't wear ties. Two recently fashionable items were also not in great evidence on stage: red ribbons and faux-brainy eyewear.

MEMENTO WE'D LEAST LIKE TO SEE. "If I had known how famous he was going to be, I'd have had my uterus bronzed." -- Leah Adler, on her famous son Steven Spielberg

BEST PERFORMANCE IN ARMANI AND A HEADSET. How did the agents do? Of the seven winners in the acting, writing and directing categories, CAA represents three (Spielberg, Tom Hanks and Jane Campion), ICM two (Holly Hunter and Tommy Lee Jones), and the little-known Harold Greene Agency one (Schindler's List screenwriter Steven Zaillian). Eleven-year-old Anna Paquin is represented by the even-less-known Double Happy agency of New Zealand. The William Morris Agency was shut out.

BEST POSSIBLY UNINTENTIONAL DISPLAY OF BAD TASTE. As the winner for Best Documentary Short wound up a heartfelt speech on the horrors of spousal abuse (the subject of her film), the show's telecast director cut to a reaction shot of actor Laurence Fishburne -- nominated as Best Actor for playing wife beater Ike Turner in What's Love Got to Do with It.

ROBO SWEETHEART. Was going to the Oscars in her new role as a Revlon spokeswoman the corniest thing Nancy Kerrigan had ever done? "This is the most glamorous night," she corrected.