Are Women Too Nice At the Office?

Earlier this month, Baker & McKenzie, the nation's largest law firm, was ordered to pay $7.1 million in damages to a secretary who endured the repeated breast groping and buttocks grabbing of a senior partner. Other women had previously complained about the unwanted advances made by this partner (he plucked at bra straps; he tickled feet), but the firm did little beyond reprimanding him.

The award, believed to be the highest ever for an individual sexual- harassment case, probably would not have been made in the pre-Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill era. But ever since the entire country pulled up to the tube to watch Thomas fight off charges that he had harassed his subordinate, the American workplace has resembled an embattled frat house where boys struggle to discern the boundary between sexual civility and salacious misconduct. Heightened attention to the issue of sexual transgression, however, seems to have eclipsed discussion of the more profoundly common ways men and women communicate -- or fail to communicate -- with one another in offices, schools and factories every day. Talking from 9 to 5, the latest book by linguist and gender-war pundit Deborah Tannen (William Morrow; $23; due Oct. 19), has set out to correct that.

The virtue of the book is that it captures the quotidian misunderstandings between men and women in the workplace. It is full of episodes like the one between Deirdre and William. On the way home from a national conference at which they each gave presentations, Deirdre compliments William on his talk. "Thank you," he says. Deirdre rejoins, "What did you think of mine?" Expecting a reciprocal pat on the back, she's startled when her colleague launches into a detailed critique. Deirdre had actually had a few problems with William's speech but felt uncomfortable about voicing them without being asked.

Then there is the female university president's contretemps with a male board member. Before they enter her office, she gives her secretary a piece of paper and says, "I've just finished drafting this letter. Do you think you could type it right away? ... And would you please do me a favor and hold all calls while I'm meeting with Mr. Smith?" Inside her office, Mr. Smith suggests that he disapproves of the solicitous way the head of the college has spoken to her secretary. "Don't forget," he says, "you're the president!"

And then there is the misfire between the female bookstore proprietor and her male manager. "The bookkeeper needs help with the billing. What would you think about helping her out?" she asks him. The manager replies with "O.K." -- which really means, "O.K., I'll think about helping her out." Days later, he has yet to assist in the task.

That women tend to opt for the soft touch is also evident in the way they use "I'm sorry" and "Thank you." Women, more often than men, will use these phrases blindly in instances where there is no need for expressions of apology or gratitude. Tannen offers the example of Charlene, who is visited by a colleague at an inopportune time. After explaining that she is quite busy, she adds, "Boy, I'm really sorry about this rush-rush."