Are Women Too Nice At the Office?

(2 of 3)

As she did in her perennial best seller, You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, Tannen argues that the sexes baffle and bewilder each other, not because they have vastly different psychological makeups, but because they have distinct conversational styles. Women, the theory goes, speak in a way that seeks to build participation or rapport, while men tend to communicate in a manner that asserts autonomous remove.

The two sexes establish their separate languages, Tannen contends, in the single-sex groups they play in as children. She cites various studies that describe male groups as hierarchical and quick to teach little boys how to dominate and jockey for the spotlight, often by versing them in a vocabulary of ridicule and put-downs. Girls' groups, on the other hand, are predominantly structured around pairs of best friends who share secrets and forge intimacy.

In Talking from 9 to 5, Tannen explores the ways in which these playground codes manifest themselves in America's cubicles and conference rooms, and argues that they leave women at a disadvantage. Public speaking, an essential aspect of business culture, Tannen writes, is significantly less frightening for men because "standing up in front of a large group of people, commanding attention, and talking authoritatively are extensions of the socialization most boys have been forced to endure as boys in groups tend to vie for center stage, challenge the boys who get it, and deflect the challenge of others." Office discussions can turn into fruitless debates between men and women when this male style clashes with the more conciliatory female. "A mutually aggravated spiral occurs," says Tannen. A man might resort to ridicule, while "she becomes increasingly diffident as he becomes more intimidating. The man senses her position as weak and becomes more overbearing."

While drawing on formal linguistic studies to bolster her argument, Tannen admits that her own research was "more like found art." She created informal labs out of a number of different work settings -- hospitals, universities, companies large and small -- many of which were suggested to her by friends and colleagues. There she observed that women generally tend to behave in ways that prevent them from standing out. Women, Tannen says, are above all consensus builders, which is why many in positions of authority "feel it is only natural to ask everyone around them for their opinions." A male higher- up might misinterpret this as a show of indecisiveness.

Women tend to hesitate calling attention to their accomplishments or hogging the recognition. She cites the example of the head of an educational-film company who was shocked when a female employee seemed reluctant to capitalize on a coveted opportunity to handle a large sale. "Maybe someone else should follow up this time," she said, "since I've already got the highest sales in the group for the month."