EVERY KID A STAR

Once the ideal child was seen and not heard. But the times and the culture have changed. More and more often a child is seen on national television and heard roaring around the world. Sons and daughters have become the projection of their parents' dreams and the repository of their hopes. "We're moving, in a cultural sense, in the direction of having every kid be a star," says James Dawson, head of the Professional Children's School in Manhattan, which is attended by aspiring and professional actors, musicians, figure skaters and models. "By doing that, of course, what you really say to kids is that normalcy is below par."

No question, some parents are ultra-achievers who push their kids too hard, too fast, making every moment of their young lives a competitive and action-packed quest for self-improvement. Others let the kids do whatever they want, sipping and tasting from an array of options and following their own pleasure. Jessica Dubroff may have been a victim of both approaches. While it is often difficult to deter a child who is genuinely passionate about an activity or whose unusual talent sweeps her away into tournament tennis or the Broadway theater, some parents have a disturbing tendency to forget that children are just that: children. "The key is balance," says David Fassler, child and adolescent psychiatrist at Choate Health Management in Boston. "Kids need, want and benefit from clear, predictable boundaries."

What they do not need is to become miniature adults. "There is a desire to have children grow up quicker and quicker," says Fassler. "This manifests itself in many ways: how quickly can we teach them to read, toilet train them; how early can we get them into the most exclusive preschool?" Jack Wetter, a clinical psychologist in West Los Angeles, says he observed a goldilocked four-year-old in preschool. "I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, 'Can't talk now. Working on Workbook 2. Going to Workbook 3.'"

Many parents, understandably, prefer to assume that their child is exceptional until proved otherwise. If little Susie picks up a violin, she's a sure candidate for Suzuki; if she gets the part of the Sugar Plum Fairy in the local production of The Nutcracker, make sure she watches her weight. Wetter says he sees an extraordinary number of bright young patients whose parents are paying for tutors in addition to private-school tuition to make sure their kids keep up in class--or get ahead. "We've lost the concept of well-rounded children because we're so focused on achievement," he says. "If a kid gets a B today, tomorrow the kid's got to go for an A."