HERE COMES WILLS

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The Waleses were not the only offensive royals. The egregious Fergie, Duchess of York, was a scandal mill all on her own, with miserable sexual and financial escapades. The result has been a growing cynicism about the family. Commentator Julie Burchill expressed a common feeling when she said recently, "I hope for the best for Wills, but I would be very surprised if he turns out to be normal, because that's the maddest family since the Munsters. Every day there's something new. We wouldn't be shocked if he turned out to be a cross-dresser who wanted to marry a corgi. We all feel we know everything about them, and that's a very bad thing for a ruling family."

Diana started the revelation wars by tacitly cooperating with Andrew Morton on the book that revealed Charles' return to his old lover, Camilla Parker Bowles. Charles' approved biography, Prince of Wales, written by Jonathan Dimbleby, may make even more painful reading for Wills. In an apparent effort to puncture the Princess's popularity, Dimbleby is at pains to portray her as shallow, willful and dangerously unstable. He goes into detail about her depressions and bouts with bulimia, first revealed by Morton, and gives an unintentionally hilarious account of a trip to Italy in which the aesthete Charles tried to imbibe the culture while the vacuous Diana waited around to receive the adulation of the crowds. For a son it must be disagreeable fare.

Still, there are some things that Wills, as he grows older, can learn from his father's hard experience. One is that he cannot rely on others to be discreet. While Charles was a student at Trinity College, Cambridge, the wife of R.A. Butler, a Tory elder statesman and Master of the College, introduced him to Lucia Santa Cruz, the daughter of the Chilean ambassador. When the young pair hit it off, the Butlers boasted that Charles had learned the fine points of physical love from Santa Cruz. Another lesson is that however irresponsible his parents became, they at least gave Wills options and some say in his own life. Charles' upbringing was run by committee. One such panel decided to send him to Cambridge. More meetings followed concerning his career.

Wills will have plenty to say about what university he attends and what he does after that. Meanwhile, he might consider his father's royal duties. They are numbing. Charles shuttles from conference to opening, from funeral to investiture, from fund raiser to military parade. Wills' life will be one of wealth and privilege, but he will pay for it in an exacting round of obligations in which any spontaneous word or gesture will probably land him in trouble. Novelist Allan Massie, who is also a royals observer, points out that as Prince of Wales, William will have maximum opportunity to let slip things he'll soon regret saying. While a monarch's speeches are cleared with the government of the day, the Prince of Wales is free--or freer anyway--to say what he thinks.

There is one person close at hand who is ready and willing to instruct Wills in what is expected of him. "The Queen feels responsible and has great concern for him," says Bradford. Eton is close to Windsor--"he's right there in the bottom of her garden," as Bradford puts it--and William very frequently has tea with the Queen by himself on Sundays at 4 p.m. A car is sent for him, and they spend a couple of hours together. What do they talk about? Duties.