Notebook: Aug. 18, 1997

WINNERS & LOSERS

APPLE FALLS FROM THE TREE

[WINNERS]

BILL GATES Darth Vader plays white knight. his $150 million is antitrust insurance on the cheap

LARRY ELLISON Oracle boss gets on Apple's board without taking a bite. (But he's in the tent with his archrival, Gates)

STEVE JOBS Puts juice back in the company he was once frozen out of

[& LOSERS]

JIM BARKSDALE With Microsoft's browser destined for every Mac and Windows PC, is Netscape's the new Betamax?

SCOTT MCNEALY Crying in his Java? Apple and MS do an electronic end run around Sun Microsystems' CEO

STEVE JOBS Some strategist. Sells stock low and is co-opted by Big Brother

O.K., MEL, WE GIVE UP!

Actors are drawn to certain kinds of roles. Meryl Streep likes a part with an accent. Tom Cruise likes a role that calls for him to flash his grin. And as his new movie, Conspiracy Theory, once again confirms, Mel Gibson likes a movie in which he's tortured.

MOVIE Braveheart (1995) A

WHAT HAPPENS Scottish rebel William Wallace, sentenced to death, is hanged, drawn and quartered.

GRUESOMENESS RATING (*) [Five Axes]

[MOVIE] Conspiracy Theory (1997) B

[WHAT HAPPENS] Unstable taxi driver Jerry Fletcher has his eyes taped open and a bright light shone in them; then he's submerged in water and nearly drowned.

[GRUESOMENESS RATING (*)] [Five Axes]

[MOVIE] Lethal Weapon (1987) C

[WHAT HAPPENS] Bad guys tie up cop Martin Riggs, douse him with water and shock him with electrodes.

[GRUESOMENESS RATING (*)] [Four Axes]

[MOVIE] Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

[WHAT HAPPENS] Max has a clown mask put on his head; then he's roped to a horse and sent into the desert to die.

[GRUESOMENESS RATING (*)] [Three Axes]

[MOVIE] Lethal Weapon 3 (1992) D

[WHAT HAPPENS] Bad guys choke Riggs in anticipation of killing him.

[GRUESOMENESS RATING (*)] [Two Axes]

[MOVIE] Hamlet (1990) F

[WHAT HAPPENS] Hamlet, the most tortured character in Western literature, is beset by guilt and indecision.

[GRUESOMENESS RATING (*)] [One Ax]

* [Five axes] = Spanish Inquisition

NO, JUST HAPPY TO SEE YA

Boarding pass? Check. Two forms of ID? Check. Remove pistol from carry-on? Well, ah... Last week Dallas Cowboy coach Barry Switzer joined thousands of Americans--and dozens of celebrities--in making the silly error of carrying a gun through an airport metal detector. Like most, he'll probably get a hand slap (he was charged with a misdemeanor last week), not the two to 10 years and $10,000 fine the third-degree felony can pack. How to explain the slip-up? Fast thinking, contrition and imagination. Here are some of the most creative excuses from illegally armed celebs:

BARRY SWITZER BROUGHT: Unlicensed, LOADED .38-cal. pistol EXCUSE: Put gun in a bag to keep away from children; forgot to take it out

CHRISTIAN SLATER BROUGHT: Loaded 9-mm EXCUSE: Was on his way to get engaged

HARRY CONNICK JR. BROUGHT: Unlicensed 9-mm EXCUSE: The gun was a gift