The Lies Must Stop

As a proud son of the world's greatest city, I am deeply pained to have to address the issue I am about to address. But I must. So many bizarre and irresponsible rumors--and, yes, outright lies--have been circulated lately about our redoubtable mayor, the canards at last must be countered to save our civic reputation. The rest of America and the world must know the truth.

He is a strong and dedicated man, Rudolph Giuliani of New York, and unafraid. He is also an innovator, bursting with new ideas. (Who else would propose a dress code for teachers?) Of course such a man has enemies. Of course he inspires vitriolic opposition from reactionaries and nihilists in the media, the opposition party and the city's entrenched interests. But the stories! The outrageous fabrications you read and hear. Let me list just a few of the ludicrous mendacities flying about--immediately exploded by the facts:

Rumor: Giuliani has secreted himself and a few trusted aides in a $15 billion fortified bunker deep beneath Central Park, defended by a corps of specially trained killer moles, which can spot and, with their frighteningly large incisors, quickly disembowel any enemies of the city attempting to infiltrate the deliberately darkened access tunnel. Fact: The mayor has sensibly proposed building an emergency control center for merely $15 million in the World Trade Center. Should any danger--be it a raid by crazed fundamentalist bioterrorists, a stock-market crash or a strike of rollerblading dog walkers--threaten New York, the mayor would inch through traffic, clamber up 22 flights of steps (can't trust elevators in a crisis--they might be booby-trapped!), pausing only to sign autographs for tourists, and soon be in command of all municipal defense forces as well as a secure phone line to the President of the U.S. (By the way, the only reason this project was kept secret is because, as the mayor has noted, "you would get people killed if you discussed it widely.")

Rumor: Giuliani strangled a homeless man to death after the hapless wretch begged for a handout without saying please. Fact: No such incident has occurred, at least not recently. The ugly rumor may have been sparked by the shooting by an off-duty police officer of an unarmed "squeegee man," one of those aggressive supplicants who threaten windshields with slimy rags or sponges unless compensated, in conjunction with the fact that soon after the mayor came to office, most squeegee men and other homeless people mysteriously disappeared. But the suggestion that the mayor and some shadowy private army roam the streets late at night snatching up such unfortunates, packing them in crates and shipping them to a major national hamburger-restaurant chain, is without foundation. The mayor does drive about in an unmarked car at night, but only to ensure that all is under control in his beloved city and that crime (which he personally eliminated) and incivility never return.