Notebook: Aug. 31, 1998

WINNERS & LOSERS

[WINNERS]

NO ONE Sadly, there are no winners when the nation endures a crisis like this one. We Americans all suffer when the office of the President undergoes a failure of trust.

O.K., ALL RIGHT. THE PRESS Man, we are just having a field day with this thing. And as soon as it started getting boring, the President sings like a canary. Vive le scandale!

[& LOSERS]

BILL CLINTON The master of disaster finally lost his touch. Failing to be either sympathetic or apologetic, he didn't come close to matching the Hugh Grant speech. Nice tie.

THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT Time was, being the President meant dealing with unemployment and foreign enemies, not cheap sex. So how do we become President?

RATING THE NEWS NETWORKS' SORRY COVERAGE

Game day in battle of the networks: Out came the big guests, the big anchors and Orrin Hatch's family-values tie. Since the President's address was only four minutes long, the nets had a lot of time to fill, and it showed. Continuing our highly praised, service-oriented journalism, Notebook critiques the performances.

NBC Rating: [3 Monica Lewinsky heads]

Points for that graphic featuring Washington's grandeur, replete with phallic imagery. Misguided post-address panel included Ellen Levine, editor of Good Housekeeping, and novelist Jacquelyn Mitchard.

ABC Rating: [4 1/2 Monica Lewinsky heads]

Caught in a testosterone battle between football and sex, ABC punts Prez, returns to a pre-season game in Mexico 23 minutes after the address and a brief commentary from studly historian Michael Beschloss.

CBS Rating: [3 1/2 Monica Lewinsky heads]

Bold graphic but lacked clout in getting exclusive post-address guests, who popped up everywhere else; in fact, Orrin Hatch showed up dead last, after sharing his views on other networks--even Fox News.

Fox News Rating: [2 1/2 Monica Lewinsky heads]

WWF-inspired "Showdown" graphic promised punchiness. But panel weakened with lopsidedly conservative guests. Points for pushing Senator Hatch into his most agitated state of the night.

CNN Rating: [4 Monica Lewinsky heads]

Curious coverage early in the day featured a graphic ticking off the minutes of the President's testimony. Swell guests: Dee Dee Myers and James Carville, who had been at the White House earlier that day.

Telemundo Rating: [4 Monica Lewinsky heads]

Maybe it helped that the telecast was in Spanish and we didn't understand much, but Telemundo's coverage seemed muy bueno, indeed. One complaint: no lusty GOOOOOAL! after the tawdry admission.

CHECK THAT

Those few years being an assistant football coach in the Big 10 at the very young age of 24 or 25 were a tremendous advantage to me in understanding how to win." --Yankees Owner George Steinbrenner

Steinbrenner's assistant-football-coach record:

COLLEGE YEAR WINS LOSSES TIES NORTHWESTERN 1955 0 8 1 PURDUE 1956 3 4 2

THE LIST

Things We're Looking Forward to Making Fun Of: