Notebook: Sep. 7, 1998

WINNERS & LOSERS

[WINNERS]

VLADIMIR LENIN Sure, a few years ago he looked lame and old, even for a dead guy. But now, with the crash of the ruble, it's retrocommunism, baby! Vlad's back!

SCOTT RITTER Your boss won't let you inspect the weapons you want. The Iraqi dictator won't play fair. It's time to throw in the gas mask. Then talk to every major news outlet

[& LOSERS]

HURRICANE BONNIE Tuesday, it was evacuate-or-die tough-guy talk. Then Bonnie rolled out to the ocean and left us feeling let down. Maybe that's because it was heading toward D.C.

DOG SEX Some wacky millionaire is spending $2.3 million on not yet perfected scientific methods to get his dog Missy cloned. Hey, buddy, find a mail-order bride

RATING THE NETWORKS' SOGGY COVERAGE

As soon as authorities evacuate a storm-threatened town, reporters arrive to demonstrate exactly why the town was evacuated. Bonnie showed that while some embrace the tempest, others avoid it in expensive raingear. Continuing our highly praised, service-oriented journalism, we critique the performances:

NBC Rating: [5 umbrellas] Noting how well the whole boat motif worked for Leo DiCaprio, Kerry Sanders grips a ship's mast with one hand and a wind meter with the other. Insanely stupid or uncommonly brave? Either way, he's the man.

ABC Rating: [3 umbrellas] A water-logged Rebecca Chase delivers her report through chattering teeth. She wears the outfit well, but doesn't really seem to be enjoying the challenge. Rebecca, you may need a new agent.

CBS Rating: [4 umbrellas] Byron Pitt no doubt realizes the drama and good sense in holding on to a large, sturdy oak. Take heart, Byron. In his early years, Dan Rather was sent on these missions. The sturdy anchor desk awaits.

CNN Rating: [4 umbrellas] Martin Savidge earns points for braving the elements without headgear, but demerits for the questionable sartorial flourish of a towel-as-ascot. In the spirit of the Scud Stud, we dub him the Foul Weather Fop.

Weather Channel Rating: [2 1/2 umbrellas] We expected more from TWC. Don't they wait all year for this sort of thing? Love the ominous Bergman silhouette, but when the reporter's as hooded as Kenny from South Park, we can't feel the pain.

MSNBC Rating: [1/2 umbrella] What's up with this guy? While the storm rages down South, Pat Dawson looks as if he's prepping to grab a dog and take in the boardwalk rides at Atlantic City, N.J. Note to Pat: This is no way to win that Emmy.

KOMEDY KONTEST

We asked comedians to come up with their best joke about the crisis in Russia. Here are their picks:

As the old Russian riddle asks, How many rubles does it take to screw up a nation? --Richard Belzer

I don't want to say the buying power of the ruble is weak, but Kathie Lee Gifford just opened her third sweatshop in Moscow. --Nick Di Paolo

When the leader of Russia is more wasted than Otis from Andy Griffith, there is going to be a problem in the economy. --Carrot Top

Moscow H20: Just when you thought it was safe to get back in line. --Margaret Cho

Two words: Commie Spice. --Karen Kilgariff