Yours Truly, Monica Lewinsky

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For sheer variety and literary ingenuity, perhaps only Finnegans Wake (a mere 628 pages) can compare to the 3,183-page work released last week by the Office of the Independent Counsel. In fine postmodern style, it is filled with real data, everything from e-mail to grand jury testimony to phone logs. Some of our favorite things:

Well, it beats "Kiddo" "Jeez I hate being called 'dear.' the creep calls me that sometimes [sic] it's an old person saying!!!!" --Lewinsky e-mail to a friend

Buy American... "Red tie; Hugo Boss tie purchased at Boss Store on Wisconsin Avenue...sent via FedEx to Betty Currie; tie had to be replaced on March 29, 1997, after President pointed out a large cut." --OIC interview with Lewinsky

Or don't buy American "Olive tie; muted olive-colored Calvin Klein tie purchased at Marshall's in Tyson's Corner, Virginia, sent to President on October 21, 1997; never observed President wearing the tie." --OIC interview

Of course, he changes his briefs every day "Lewinsky thinks Clinton wore the 'birthday' tie [the yellow one recently in the news] twice in one week during the 1996 campaign." --OIC interview

That's a grande, eh...barista! "Lewinsky saw George Stephanopoulos at Starbucks when Lewinsky did not have a bra on. The stories Lewinsky has read about this make it seem like Lewinsky was excited about that, when in reality, she was embarrassed." --OIC interview

Then there's his barber The President said that "he had never been treated as poorly by anyone else as I treated him and that he spent more time with me than anyone else in the world, aside from his family, friends and staff, which I don't know exactly which category that put me in, but..." --Lewinsky's testimony before the grand jury

Won't that smudge the lottery ticket? "Nothing would make me happier than to see you, except to see you naked with a winning lottery ticket in one hand and a can of whipped cream in the other." --Text of a Lewinsky postcard to the President

You mean like multitasking? "Jordan asked what phone sex was...Lewinsky said, 'We're taking care of business on each end while we're talking.'" --OIC interview

There must have been an opening in the nonsmear-lipstick department "I am so excited about joining the team at Revlon. I think it's going to be great!" --Lewinsky letter regarding a job offer at Revlon, later rescinded

Boutros Boutros-Ghali's, maybe "Lewinsky felt it was inappropriate to conduct an interview in [U.N. ambassador Bill] Richardson's hotel room." --OIC interview

Sometimes a cigar is just a simile "Whitman is so rich that one must read him like one tastes a fine wine or good cigar--take it in, roll it in your mouth and savor it!" --Letter from Lewinsky to the President

Santa Claus is coming to town "The President told Lewinsky that he kept a calendar on how long he had been good." --OIC interview

If there's nothing available at the White House, what about that poet laureate gig? "Starbucks Santa Monica coffee cup purchased at the Los Angeles International Airport and given to President on December 6, 1997; President remarked, 'I like big mugs' and Lewinsky responded, 'No, you like big jugs.'" --OIC interview