Interview: Monica Lewinsky Up Close

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Lewinsky: This is hard for me to answer. In a very...in a confined, in a strict definition, in a hard definition, no, it wasn't. In casual conversation, yes, it was.

TIME: Did the President ever use the term sexual relationship with you before you filed the false affidavit in the Jones case?

Lewinsky: We didn't discuss the writing of the affidavit.

TIME: Did Vernon Jordan ever suggest using the term sexual relationship as you prepared your affidavit?

Lewinsky: I don't remember the exact words that he used when he asked me those two questions [about my relationship with the President]. So is it possible he did? Yes, but it may have come up somewhere from my subpoena. Maybe it was standard [language provided by my attorney Frank Carter]. I don't know the legal issues surrounding that.

TIME: Do you now think the President and Vernon Jordan were working in December to find you a job to buy your silence?

Lewinsky: I don't think so. I think in order for someone to want to buy your silence, they'd have to be worried you're not going to be silent, and I didn't feel like I had ever done anything or given anybody any reason to think I was going to change how I had been for the past two years.

TIME: You had this job hunt going, and you were banging pretty hard on Betty Currie's door. You don't think the President could have come to the conclusion that he had to keep you happy and move you out of town?

Lewinsky: I don't know. I really think that wasn't the impression I had at the time, and I think that's something that he has to answer. I can't characterize that.

TIME: So the heart of the obstruction case against the President was, in the end, a big coincidence?

Lewinsky: Whether there was a connection there or not...I wasn't privy to those conversations. Those are the conversations between Mr. Jordan and the President.

TIME: Was it your idea to retrieve the gifts?

Lewinsky: Yes, definitely. I was the one who brought it up, who broached the subject. I want everything back. It's my stuff.

TIME: Has the President or anyone around him tried to make contact with you or anyone around you?

Lewinsky: No, not that I'm aware of.

TIME: Do you hope someday he will?

Lewinsky: I don't know. Right now, I don't really have any desire to talk to him. I don't know where I'm going to end up and what my life is going to be. Maybe I'll feel different in 20 years, but maybe I won't.

TIME: You're probably the most famous woman in the world right now.

Lewinsky: Unfortunately.

TIME: What is that like to wake up with?

Lewinsky: I don't think people can imagine what it feels like to have nightmares and in your dreams--or your nightmare--you've left a house without a hat...

TIME: Some people dream about being naked, and you dream about being...?

Lewinsky: Without my hat. Without sunglasses, without some sort of protection. It's having to plan not only where I'm going [but] when I'm going, with whom I'm going. Who will be there? How close can I get my car to where I'm going? Can I get a taxi easily?

TIME: You signed your first book yesterday. What was that like?

Lewinsky: I felt cuckoo.

TIME: What do you mean when you say cuckoo?