Interview: Monica Lewinsky Up Close

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Lewinsky: I kind of think of a sort of cuckoo clock and--I don't know why this image [comes to mind]--a sort of a duck that comes down at 12 noon whose head spins around and sticks its tongue in and out and flails its arms.

TIME: A maniacal person?

Lewinsky: Right. This whole situation is sort of maniacal.

TIME: What steps are you taking to put your life back together?

Lewinsky: I think probably the biggest step that I am taking is trying to work on myself in therapy. It's hard. It's painful.

TIME: You have been praying from time to time?

Lewinsky: I think, for me, my definition of praying might be a little different. I think, for me, in some ways therapy is sort of praying. It's like what you learn in therapy and what you walk away with. You kind of think to yourself, oh, I really hope that I can learn to assimilate. But I'm not very religious.

TIME: Do you feel you have a debt to repay, some good works to do?

Lewinsky: Yes and no. I would love to be able to be in a position to make a positive contribution to society. I think that people who do volunteer work know that there is no better remedy for healing, for the soul, than helping other people. I was able to do some work this past year too while this was going on, and it was so nourishing to the soul. It really helped me through this.

TIME: Can you tell us what that is?

Lewinsky: I'd rather keep it private.

TIME: Is it easier to be anonymous in New York City than it is in Los Angeles?

Lewinsky: No. The thing that's better about L.A. is that you have another layer of protection because everybody drives. It's scary when you get into a car chase with people, which happened to me last weekend.

But the thing about the East Coast is that they have the Daily News and the New York Post. The paparazzi here come out of the gutter, and you never know when.

TIME: How about law school? Is that something you've thought about? Or just another bad rumor?

Lewinsky: No. It's a possibility. I think if I could get into law school without having to take the LSAT, that would make it different. The idea of having to sit down and prepare for a standardized test and then worry about whether my scores will be leaked to the world is a little daunting to me.

TIME: Will it be hard to have a real relationship for a while?

Lewinsky: Yes, unfortunately. It's going to take a very special, very strong person to step up to the plate, and I don't know if the things that I want in a man and in a relationship could be balanced by someone who could do that. But I hope so.

TIME: Are you going the celebrity route: Monica Inc.?

Lewinsky: No. I think that if I can use my name to do something that would help people and make a contribution, I'd love to work with kids. I love kids. I have more fun with kids sometimes than I do with adults. I'm only human. There are some things that I'm going to do because it's fun. And people can criticize me. They criticize me anyway...I don't consider [myself] a celebrity, because I think that the root of the word is celebrated: someone society should celebrate, and while I haven't given autographs, people have asked, which is so bizarre to me. I don't feel that I should be honored for what I'm known for.