Meat Loaf

Meat Loaf has parts in Fight Club and Crazy in Alabama, and is releasing his autobiography, To Hell and Back.

Q. How's everything going?

A. I'm a little tired from my golf weekend.

Q. Meat Loaf doesn't golf.

A. Of course Meat Loaf golfs.

Q. Oh, no. What's Meat Loaf's handicap?

A. 18.

Q. That's not so bad.

A. Alice Cooper's is like 2.

Q. In Bat Out of Hell 2, you sing a song called Objects in the Rearview Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are. Could you sing a song called Caution: Filling Is Hot?

A. That's great. Did you see the Saturday Night Live skit?

Q. That's been used, huh?

A. Last year the new big guy did it. Chris Farley and John Candy did me.

Q. You think part of the tryouts to be the new fat guy is to do Meat Loaf?

A. I think so. I think it's an honor. Some people get upset. I read that Sharon Stone got upset when somebody did her.

Q. Your publicist told me to ask you what it's like to have bitch tits. Don't you think you need a new publicist?

A. You see, in Fight Club I have these enormous breasts because the character had testicular cancer and had to take female hormones.

Q. Was it kind of nice to have breasts?

A. Everyone wanted to touch them. It gives you an idea how if you're a woman and you have these great-looking breasts, everybody wants to feel them.

Q. Your daughter, I'm told, is very attractive and worked on Politically Incorrect. How many times did Bill Maher hit on her?

A. She never told me. I'm sure he did.

Q. I really want to see you beat up Maher.

A. I really, really wanted to do Celebrity Deathmatch with Natalie Merchant.

Q. Because she's so self-important?

A. Maybe. You said that; I didn't.

--By Joel Stein