Bully or Grovel?

I look forward to parent-teacher conferences about as much as I do to periodontal surgery. The night before conference day, I usually have one of those dreams in which I'm in fifth grade playing dodge ball--naked. At my kid's school, we parents wait our turn in the hallway, drinking decaf and trying to hide our anxiety behind our briefcases. When I'm ushered into the classroom, I wedge myself into a Lilliputian desk. Mrs. Widget smiles down with practiced patience. She begins. Nine minutes later, it's all over, and we're shaking hands. By the time I make it to the car, I have near complete amnesia about the experience.

Most parents adopt one of two basic approaches to the teacher conference. The ingratiators (like me) try to win over the teacher on their child's behalf. This involves lots of smiling, nodding and offers of Florida time shares over the spring break. The intimidators get in the teacher's face--to tell him what they expect and demand attention to their children's individual needs and just generally show him who's boss.

Lily Eskelsen is a 20-year veteran of parent-teacher conferences, both in her years of teaching sixth grade at Orchard Elementary School, just outside Salt Lake City, and as the mother of two sons. She says both the ingratiators and the intimidators have it wrong because they're concerned with power relationships rather than partnership. "Parents," she says, "should think of themselves as part of a team with the teacher and the child"--and shouldn't tussle over who gets to be quarterback.

The key to a successful parent-teacher conference is to be well prepared. Even if your first meeting is weeks away, start thinking about it now. Ask your child what concerns he has about school and what is going well. Write down your questions--about, say, the volume of homework or the class bully--in order of priority, because you'll probably be squeezed for time. Your child's teacher will start the meeting but should not dominate it. She should be prepared with samples of your child's work and should present your child's positive qualities along with the areas in which he needs to improve.

Parents should ask for specific suggestions and query the teacher on her goals for the year in particular subjects. If your conference comes just after a report card, don't let the teacher burn too much time going over each grade; you can do that on your own. The conference should focus on areas of concern--yours and the teacher's. It is helpful to take notes during the meeting and keep any schoolwork the teacher passes along, in case amnesia strikes.

When your nine minutes are up and it's time to go, Eskelsen suggests that you ask the teacher how she can best be reached--by phone, handwritten note or e-mail. Many schools are setting up websites with e-mail and voice mail to facilitate communication between parents and teachers. Parents should use them not only to flag problems but also to praise a particularly inspiring lesson or assignment. Parents should make sure the teacher knows how she can reach them and should make her feel welcome to do so.

"Don't think you can talk with the teacher only at conference time," Eskelsen says. "That is only the beginning of a conversation that should go on all year."

To read more about parent-teacher conferences, see our Website at time.com/personal E-mail Amy at timefamily@aol.com