Dave Barry

Humor columnist Dave Barry has written his first novel, Big Trouble.

Q. Do you feel me breathing down your neck, old man?

A. Yeah. I'm nervous. You're doing some great stuff, John.

Q. How much do you make? Because that's what I'm going to ask for.

A. Can you say "s___loads" in TIME? And the thing is, now I'm not even doing the column myself. I'm so busy with investments, I have people in Malaysia doing the setups and punch lines, and we have them assembled in Mexico. Dave Barry is a brand now. Just like Martha Stewart.

Q. You have a Pulitzer, but I won First Place in Sports Spot News from the New York Association of Black Journalists. And I'm fire marshal of my floor.

A. I'm worried about the City of New York if people just out of college are fire marshals of floors in major buildings. I like to think they're old Irish guys.

Q. When I interviewed you in college, you said, "Writing a column doesn't mean I can write a novel. That's like saying I won the gold medal for diving, so I think I'll play violin for the orchestra." Justify.

A. It turns out writing novels is easy. In fact, I'm thinking about going out to be an Olympic diver.

Q. What's the difference between your two books Dave Barry Turns 40 and Dave Barry Turns 50?

A. None. We were relying on the fact that people going through that phase won't really remember the first book. On a lot of the books you can just see the 4 crossed out and a 5 written over it. It sold really well anyway.

Q. Did someone accuse you of making things up as a kid?

A. I'm not the first person to ever write those words, but it's somehow become this trademark thing.

Q. I need a catchphrase.

A. Yeah. What could you use? How about "I'm moderately funny."

--By Joel Stein