Families: First-Term Report

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UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHILD'S A'S, B'S AND C'S

How to transform report cards into useful learning

For many families, report cards are an occasion of dread and distress. But for the Greens in the suburbs of Baltimore, Md., they're an invitation to celebrate. Of course, that's partly because Erica, 12, and Monica, 16, usually bring home A's and B's. But it's also because their parents look beyond the grades. What's most important, says their mother Brenda, is that Monica and Erica "have learned as much as they can and have done the best job they're capable of doing." To honor their learning and hard work, Brenda and her husband Gregory typically treat the girls to a Chinese dinner or a movie.

And on the rare occasion when Erica or Monica flounders? "If they have trouble, I'm there to help them; their father's there to help them; they can go to a coaching class; we can get them a tutor," says Brenda. "They know they're responsible for their grades and their classwork and their homework, but they also know we're here for them." With parents who support them in their struggles and celebrate their successes, Erica and Monica face the challenges of school with confidence and curiosity. Says Brenda: "They'll make comments like, 'This class is a lot of work, but it's really interesting!'"

No child intentionally sets out to fail, yet many parents view grades as a verdict that requires them to administer reward or punishment. Though statistics are not available, there is ample anecdotal evidence that in households with a history of abuse, the punishment can be severe. And even parents who don't abuse their kids for getting bad grades often feel uncertain how to respond to C's, D's and F's--or even A's and B's.

DELIVERY SYSTEM

Sometimes less is more when it comes to parental involvement, say the experts. "We have to separate our children's responsibilities from our own," advises Nancy Samalin, author of Loving Your Child Is Not Enough. "If you're more involved in your child's report card than he is, he may just let you worry about it." To reinforce the notion that school is the child's job, Samalin suggests leaving the report card on the child's pillow, so he's the first person to see it. When he brings it to your attention and the grades are good, the message should be not "I'm so proud of you" but "You must be so proud of yourself!" If the grades are poor, Samalin suggests asking, as calmly as possible, "What do you think about this report card?" and then, "What are you going to do about it?"--encouraging your child to come up with specific strategies for improvement. "One way to build responsibility is to help kids become good problem solvers," says Samalin. "The way to do that is not to tell them what to do but to put it in their laps."

POSITIVE THINKING

Accentuate the positive, advises Jennifer Richard Jacobson, author of How Is My First Grader Doing in School? "Say, 'Look at all you learned!'" Even if the grades are poor, parents can ask, "What do you think you've done well? What are you proud of?" says Jacobson. Then ask, "What are you finding hard? Where are you having trouble?"