Steal This Column!

As the scythe of scandal continues to cut off the careers and other vital parts of reporters and editors at the nation's major newspapers, those of us who peddle opinions for a living rather than facts are starting to get nervous. When will the spotlight turn on us? Every time another malefactor is exposed, we feel a chill and think we hear the tumbrels roll. We know in our hearts that we are uniquely vulnerable.

We opinionistas are a diverse bunch: newspaper editorial writers draped in cardigan sweaters and clutching pipes, columnists dictating a few trenchant paragraphs on cell phones while striding self-importantly through Reagan National Airport, troll-like TV commentators with ill-fitting teeth, fat and angry radio talk-show hosts ... We all agree on very little. But we share a common bewilderment about the venom attached to these recent accusations of plagiarism and fabrication.

What we don't get is this: If you're not supposed to take it from someone else and you're not supposed to make it up yourself, where are you supposed to get it? From this perspective, reporters have it easy. There is always something new to report. Life itself supplies a regular stream of events--roughly 3.2 billion an hour, according to scientists. With the advent of computers, it has become a simple matter to rank all events in order of their suitability as news, using the famous Gannett scale, developed by the well-known newspaper chain and involving such factors as the impact of an event on other events, the number of proper names that are difficult to spell (a negative factor) and the involvement of people from diverse backgrounds (a plus, obviously).

But pity the opinionmeister! Opinions don't flare and quickly die like fireworks. Opinions come and stay, leaving little room for new ones. There are only five opinions you can have about abortion, according to a report prepared for the Opinion League of America. There are only two possible opinions (sometimes characterized as yes and no) on capital punishment, just one on matters implicating the American flag. Under these circumstances, it would be annoying to be told that it is unacceptable for an opinion to be used more than once. Worse than annoying, it would be wasteful. Call it plagiarism if you like; we prefer to think of it as recycling. Facts are like air: they can be polluted, but there is no danger that we will actually run out of the stuff. Opinions, by contrast, are like water or oil: the danger of running out is real.