Moving a Lifetime

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The key to their success lies in re-creating a familiar environment in the new locale. To do that, some consultants take photos of bureau tops or draw diagrams of knickknacks in a curio cabinet. Every detail is considered crucial. "Even the magnets were in the same place on the fridge. We couldn't believe it," says Robin Rose, 45, of Chicago, who helped her in-laws, Don and Edith Rose of Clearwater, Fla., relocate last March. In the midst of the move, her mother-in-law was hospitalized for a stroke. "Mom was so worried she wouldn't be able to find anything," says Robin. "But when she walked in the door, she said, 'This looks just like our old home.' All the china and glassware were in the right spot in the hutch."

An accurate floor plan of the new residence is essential to a good move, says Beth Warren of Welcome Home Relocation in Clearwater, who managed the roses' transition. Warren keeps measurements of all the closets, drawers and wall space of several retirement communities that she works with on a regular basis. "If there's no room for the china cabinet in the new apartment, what do you do with your three sets of china?" she says. "Why pack the contents of the garage when you won't even need a toolbox?"

That might sound callous at first, but Warren sees her job as helping people part with some of the things that are no longer practical in a new retirement setting. Her sorters are trained to help clients make decisions about well-loved possessions. "You have to be gentle enough to listen to someone's story about their grandmother's Spode but strong enough to ask, 'so which is your favorite china? let's take that one.'" Clients who presort save on hourly rates, says Warren. Clutter bugs end up paying a premium as they sit in a comfortable chair and discuss the fate of each item with a sorter.

A move to a retirement community comes freighted with emotion. Sorting through a lifetime of possessions, reminiscing, feeling sad and saying goodbye to a house is a necessary part of the grieving process, says Barbara Kane, a licensed clinical social worker in Bethesda, Md., and author of Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent. "Moving is about the loss of our role as a householder, the one thing we still have control over in the last stages of life," she notes. "That's why it's so tough."

An adult child often instigates a move because a parent is too frail or demented to live alone, she says. But the transition may be so upsetting that it triggers depression in an elderly person, requiring medication or counseling. And older adults with difficult personalities--those who are overly needy, self-centered, controlling or anxious--may require extra nurturing and understanding during a major transition.

"Instead of arguing with your parent, you have to empathize," Kane says. "You've got to say, 'Mom, I'm sorry it's so hard.' Period." Attempting to convince parents they're better off in a new setting is a mistake, she adds. "They'll hear that as abandonment and be even more threatened and rigid."