Stress And The Superdad

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There is also uncertainty in men's roles at home. Says Bob Silverstein, an employment consultant and personal life coach in New York City: "Home has become one more place where men feel they cannot succeed." For as much as women desire and demand their husbands' assistance in floor waxing and infant swaddling, many men complain that their wives refuse to surrender control of the domestic domain and are all too adept at critiquing the way their husbands choose to help out. Haltzman, who gathers research on husbands through his SecretsOfMarriedMen.com website, points out that "there are a lot of things men do that women don't define as contributing to the household. If a man is in the yard and notices that the basketball is flat and he pumps it up, he gets no credit because it's not something that needed to get done in the wife's eyes. But from the man's perspective, it's just as important as picking up an article of clothing or doing the wash."

But even while men chafe at not being appreciated around the house, few of them express a desire to return to the roles defined by previous generations. "I would love a reprieve from all the domestic chores," says Steve McElroy, 35, of Barrington, R.I., a father of two whose wife is a full-time professor. "But I wouldn't want it at the expense of my family and what I have with them." Asked by Spike TV to choose how they measure success, only 3% of men said through their work, while 31% said they did so through their faith in God, 26% through being the best person possible, 22% through their network of family and friends, and 17% through maintaining a balance between home and work.

In calibrating an acceptable balance between the two, men came down decisively on the side of family life, with 72% --including those who are single--saying they would sacrifice advancements at work to spend more time at home and 66% saying they would risk being perceived poorly by a superior to ask for a month's paternity leave. In 2002, Mark Carlton, 33, left his job in mechanical design and moved with his wife and two children from Evansville, Ind., to Minneapolis, Minn., when his wife got a better-paying position. While interviewing for a new job, Carlton told potential employers that he expected a "give and take. I give it my all at work, and in return if I have a family issue, I should be able to have the time."

Despite their best intentions, however, men are not necessarily curtailing their work hours. Nearly 68% of men work more than 40 hours a week, and 62% are working on weekends. And men with children are putting in more hours than those without: 60% of them work 41 to 59 hours a week, whereas only 49% of men without kids rack up that many hours.