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For many, religion comes with a slew of traditions and rituals that have been cherished over a lifetime, and when that can't be passed down to the next generations, the emotions run deep. "The initial reaction to hearing that your grandchild is going to be Muslim or Catholic when you are not," says Edmund Case, publisher of interfaith family.com "can be a trauma--a huge sense of loss." Grandparents aren't always ready to relinquish the idea of sharing the family christening gown or family togetherness at holy days. One devoutly Catholic 72-year-old grandfather in Greene County, Ohio, speaks of a sense of hurt and emptiness that not one of his 10 grandchildren is being raised Catholic. "I feel deprived of the richness of the dreams I wanted to share with my grandkids," he says. "It's a sadness I deal with, even though I try not to show it."

The emotions sometimes tap into a number of thorny issues. Some older parents resent their child's spouse, or they blame the other set of grandparents for pushing the couple to raise the grandkids in their religion. "As we age, we all confront issues we've never faced before," says James Davidson, a sociology professor at Purdue who studies trends among American Catholics. "For many, that leads to reclaiming the religion in which they were raised."

Although some are outspoken about their feelings, many are not. "Parents are afraid to be seen as meddling, so they don't ask questions or say how they feel," says Joel Crohn, a psychologist in San Rafael, Calif., and author of Mixed Matches (Fawcett Columbine). "And adult kids often assume they know what their parents are thinking, so they also avoid saying anything." Crohn counsels grandparents to take the lead in getting these concerns out. And they have to let their adult children know when they are uncomfortable, "as long as they add that they still love and respect their child's choice," adds Crohn.

Paulette Mann, 69, a Jewish grandmother in Maplewood, N.J., has always tried to show respect to her son and daughter-in-law who are raising their two sons Catholic. "When the grandkids were younger, I asked my daughter-in-law if I could send Hanukkah gifts, and she said no, it would be too confusing," says Mann. "So I took my cues from her." Several years later, when her grandson called to tell her that he was being confirmed in the Catholic Church, Mann recalls thinking, "I'd love to ignore this, but how can I diminish such a milestone in his life?" She sent a congratulatory card--though she could not bring herself to buy one with a cross or a mention of Jesus.

Living 3,000 miles apart means that this grandmother and her grandsons don't have to deal with day-to-day, in-your-face religious differences. During a recent visit to the West Coast, however, Mann heard her 10year-old grandson ask, "Is Grandpa Catholic?" No, she explained, he's Jewish. "I'm Catholic, and I'm going to stay that way," the boy replied. Mann wasn't worried. "He was simply making a statement," she says. "It wasn't self-righteous or malicious, just a statement about who he is."