Whose Job Is This, Anyway?

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This revolution-in-the-making has been nudged along by many a bitter skirmish. A survey by the Soap and Detergent Association found that 46% of couples who live together argue about cleaning. Kids add to the friction: 55% of couples with kids fight over housework, vs. 38% of those without. According to Howard Markman, of the University of Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies, housework is the No. 3 source of marital conflict after money and children.

Book editor Katy Hope, 32, and medical resident Alex Cohen, 34, are looking forward to their wedding in October. But the couple battle incessantly over housework. "It's a blowout fight every month," Hope confesses. "It's the only thing we fight about." Hope says getting Cohen to do his agreed upon tasks requires constant reminders. "He'll tell me he'll wash the dishes before we go to bed, and maybe he will," she says. "But by around 9:30, with dirty dishes still in the sink, I'm broiling." It's not that Cohen makes her feel "like a mom" on purpose. As she points out, "He had no household responsibilities growing up."

"We were trained to change tires, not sheets," explains Tom McNulty, author of Clean Like a Man: Housekeeping for Men (and the Women Who Love Them) (Three Rivers; 224 pages), an attempt to show that even the most slovenly Pigpen can conquer the Swiffer. McNulty firmly believes men should do their fair share of chores, but, he says, women too often undermine their efforts by charging men with doing too little, too shabbily, too late. Instead, he says, women should reward even the most pitiful efforts with encouragement rather than a withering "You call this clean?"

Given encouragement and the right gadgets, some men even discover a passion for cleaning. Jenny and Matthew Corsey, of Peachtree City, Ga., used to have traditional roles around the home--housework for her, yard work for him--until Matthew lost his job last year. To their mutual surprise, he took to cleaning with gusto. "He was a chemistry major in college and has this secret formula for making the bathtub shine," Jenny marvels. "He actually likes vacuuming." Now that her husband, who is working part time from home, handles 70% of the chores, Jenny says their once dusty house rivals the spick-and-span home of her childhood.

Many couples are developing their own division of labor, depending on work schedules and preferences--and who notices the mess first. Paul Asimow, 35, a Cal Tech geology professor, does 40% of the cleaning and nearly all the cooking in his home. Growing up, Paul watched his divorced father clean up after himself. "The image of my father maintaining his own house was important," he explains. "I'm also part of my generation, and we have a more equal perception of what it takes." When his wife Colette takes him to task for leaving a sponge in the sink or using a dish towel to wipe the floor, Paul admits, "It is nagging--but it also makes sense."

"We're still a generation that's reinventing our roles and learning to do housework as a couple," says Karen Bouris, author of Just Kiss Me and Tell Me You Did the Laundry (Rodale; 288 pages). "Once you get rid of assumptions about who does what, people enjoy the freedom of choosing what they do best." Or what they hate doing least.