Bridal Vows Revisited

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The couple are among the less than 4% of Louisiana's newlyweds who have opted for the state's two-year-old covenant marriage--an idea considered last year by 19 other states, all of which, except Arizona, voted it down. Louisiana's covenant union differs from the standard one by requiring premarital counseling and, for divorce (absent grievous fault), two years of living apart plus mandated marital counseling. "The desire was to make marriage more committed," says Louisiana State University law professor Katherine Spaht, who wrote the legislation.

Mike, a Methodist from a divorced family, and Kelly, a Southern Baptist from an intact family, each had had serious relationships--and painful breakups. Both wanted this supercommitment. "I know we live in a tough world," Kelly acknowledges, "but, hey, we're in this for the long haul." Their way of thinking is typical of covenant couples, says Steven Nock, a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia who's doing a five-year study comparing Louisiana covenant-marriage couples with the norm. Already, he has noted a divide in their thinking about time: noncovenant couples, he observes, are focused mostly on the present and what they're getting now. Covenant spouses are more apt to look to the future for their best times.

Even in their primarily Christian community, Mike and Kelly say that less than a quarter of their friends have done covenants. "Guys say to me," the young attorney notes sadly, "'Mike, I get it. I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment'--days before they walk down the aisle."

THE LONG, LONG COURTSHIP: GETTING A JUMP ON FOREVER

Marcia and Russ Mangiapane, of Lavonia, Mich., both veterans of awful relationships, wanted to be as certain as possible that when they pledged "till death do us part," they had a fighting chance at success. The cosmetologist, 32, and sales executive, 35, dated for three years and were engaged for two more years. "We were skeptical because there's so much lack of faithfulness and trust and commitment," says Marcia. When they finally decided to wed, she says, "we did feel it would be forever. We had everything in common--skiing and Rollerblading and food and pets--and we're both very spiritual, though he's Italian and I'm Jewish."

Still, as a child of divorce, Marcia confesses, if things went bad, "it would be a piece of cake for me to say, 'See ya.'" Then, within months of their marriage four years ago, Marcia experienced a series of losses: her father, her mother and her best friend. "Russ didn't know how to react," she says. "I felt abandoned, and we thought we were getting divorced."

Her feelings were not surprising, says Carolyn Cowan. "We find that if they were not exposed to couple relationships where the partners worked out their differences satisfactorily, modern couples do not find it easy to struggle through the difficult times, or think of getting some help." Marcia and Russ did seek help, from Joe Bavonese of the Relationship Center in Royal Oak, Mich., and the pair emerged stronger. "We're newlyweds again!" Marcia crows. Now, more than when they took their vows, she believes in forever.

COHABITATION INSTEAD OF MARRIAGE: TAKING TINY STEPS TOWARD FOREVER