Don Quixotes, We Salute You

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Voters seem less than inspired by the candidates this election, creating the perfect environment for the emergence of viable third parties. But after a careful examination of the self-made, buck-the-Establishment politicos who are making a run for office this year, we declare the following pretty much unelectable. Nice try, though.

NATURAL MEDICINE PARTY Wash. Attorney General-wannabe Stan Lippmann is pro-self-prescribed drugs, anti-mandatory vaccination.

LIGHT PARTY Calif. Presidential candidate Dr. Da Vid's (ne Dolph Ornstein) mantra is health, peace and freedom for all.

PROHIBITION PARTY Colo. As well as outlawing booze, five-time Prez candidate Earl Dodge wants to nix the Federal Reserve.

NATIONAL BARKING SPIDER RESURGENCE PARTY Colo. Mike Bay, Prez hopeful, wants a 13.5% flat tax and a pet bed for every dog.

MOUNTAIN PARTY W.Va. Gubernatorial candidate Denise Giardina seeks an end to coal miners' "decapitation" of mountains.

LETTUCE PARTY Del. Issue No. 1 for President Felix, a.k.a. Rock Macho: getting Pete Rose into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

GOD BLESS JERSEY PARTY N.J. George Gostigian's not the only one taking God to the Senate; he's up against the Trust in God Party.

TIMESIZING.COM PARTY Mass. If he gets to be Senator, Phil Hyde, the "Un-Kennedy" candidate, will shorten the workweek.