Secrets to a Long and Happy Sex Life

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After 40, men's erections are less automatic. According to Dr. Saul Rosenthal, the author of the newly revised Sex over 40 (Tarcher/Putnam), "One thing you can count on is that when you are over 40 you won't be getting spontaneous erections in the same rapid and easy way you did when you were in your adolescence or early 20s...Just thinking about sex or seeing a sexual partner won't be enough. You will require more and more direct physical stimulation." But that's not bad, says Dr. Altman, and it doesn't mean that sex stops. "It just means that your partner is going to have to help you," he says. "And here, an understanding, loving partner is truly important."

INSIDE THE MEDICINE CHEST

If something has put a hex on your sex drive, the culprit may be a medicine that you're taking. Various blood-pressure medications, antidepressants, antihistamines, heart drugs and some antibiotics have been implicated in interfering with sex drive or performance. If there's a problem, check with your physician to see if it makes medical sense to adjust the dosage of your prescription.

STAYING IN THE GAME

Women who cannot or choose not to take estrogen risk vaginal problems if they are not having sexual relations on a regular basis. To be absolutely clinical about it, "lack of use promotes vaginal atrophy, while frequent intercourse helps maintain elasticity," says Dr. Altman. He is aware that some women could find this message annoying, especially if they don't have a regular partner. Undaunted, Dr. Altman advises that women, well, improvise. "For patients who don't have a willing or able partner, I suggest they take the advice from the song made famous by Carly Simon: Nobody Does It Better." Although Simon was almost certainly not singing about self-stimulation, he says, "doctors and sex therapists definitely recommend it as a remedy because it works to keep the vaginal walls healthy, elastic and responsive."

DON'T BE A PILL

In this Viagra-driven era, some experts say, it is easy to lose sight of the goal of a sexual relationship--at any age. The real priority should be sharing and intimacy. "Yes, we want our partner to have an erection!" says Barbara Keesling, author of All Night Long: How to Make Love to a Man over 50 (HarperCollins). "For his enjoyment, and for ours. But what we want more than anything is to have a partner we can make love to. It is our heart and soul that we want to have penetrated." Moreover, Keesling cautions that taking a pill doesn't necessarily make a man more sensual, more caring or more loving. "To the contrary, it can actually decrease his motivation to become a better partner, particularly if he's a man who equates having an erection with being a satisfying lover."

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