Congress
The Incredible Shrinking Speaker of the House
Mild-mannered DENNY HASTERT was never going to be like his outspoken predecessor NEWT GINGRICH. But last week, in the House's first big vote since impeachment--on a resolution to support the NATO air campaign against Yugoslavia--Hastert's leadership was nonexistent. At a meeting with other lawmakers in the White House the morning before the vote, Hastert told PRESIDENT CLINTON that enough Republicans would vote yes on the resolution to ensure its passage. Just hours before the vote, Hastert's chief of staff, SCOTT PALMER, advised the Democrats' chief tallyman, Representative DAVID BONIOR, that about 90 Republicans would vote in favor. But in the end, only 31 Republicans did, and the measure failed to pass in a 213-213 tie. Hastert voted yes, but instead of trying to persuade Republicans to join him, he remained seated while majority whip TOM DELAY lobbied members to vote no. "Hastert is Speaker in title only," a G.O.P. leadership aide said. "DeLay is running rings around him." BY JAMES CARNEY/WASHINGTON

If Men Took the Pill...
British researchers announced last month a breakthrough in their development of an oral contraceptive for men. The pill was administered to 23 bold volunteers; the majority produced no active sperm after three months. The sperm loss was temporary, but the side effects required subjects to use testosterone patches in order to keep their manly form. To overcome this marketing dilemma, we asked the fertile minds at various ad agencies to think up some potent campaigns.

Komedy Korner
SINGLED OUT New Jersey officials recently admitted that some state troopers used race as a factor in pulling over motorists. We gave comedians an hour to come up with their best joke on the issue.

Margaret Cho: I've never been stopped by the police, but one time my Japanese friend and I were stopped by a group of kids who yelled, "Chinos ruin everything!" We weren't angry because we weren't sure whether they were talking about us or the pants. See, they could have been really racist or just fashion conscious.

Al Franken: The only solution I can see is for white people to start committing more crimes.

Mike Royce: Every single person on the N.J. Turnpike is going at least 112 m.p.h. The cops should be pulling everybody over. The turnpike is the "rainbow coalition" of speeding.

William Stephenson: A brother can't drive a Lexus without pushing dope? Supposing he hit the Lotto number?

Kate Clinton: I think we'd all be a lot safer if the police would just pull people over who are on car cell phones.

Numbers
5 Number of Top 200 video rentals not containing references to drugs, alcohol or tobacco

17 Percentage of major characters under 18 who smoked in recent films

36 Percentage of teens who smoke

$5,900 Value of gifts Sun-Diamond Growers' lobbyist gave former Agriculture Secretary Mike Espy

9-0 Supreme Court decision declaring those gifts were not in violation of federal law

$20 million Total cost of independent counsel Donald Smaltz's investigation into Espy's alleged corruption

14.5 Births per 1,000 Americans, the lowest since the government began keeping records in 1909

25.3 Births per 1,000 Americans in 1957, the height of the baby boom

52.3 Births per 1,000 U.S. teenagers, the lowest rate since 1985 4 Births per 1,000 teenagers in Japan

Sources: Office of National Drug Control Policy; Centers for Disease Control; Los Angeles Times; New York Times; HHS; Washington Post

Olympic Profiles
GOING FOR THE GOLD: TRAMPOLINE When trampolining debuts as an Olympic-medal event at the 2000 games in Sydney, one young star will be Team U.S.A.'s best hope.

JENNY PARILLA, Lake Forest, Calif.
AGE: 18
RANK: No. 1 in U.S., No. 15 in world
HEIGHT OF JUMP: about 20 ft.
AIR TIME: about 2 sec.
BEST TRICK: 2 1/2 twisting double flip

What's the main difference between you and your Russian and German arch-rivals? "They get paid for training, it's their job, and sometimes they all live together. I have other things to keep up with, and I live at home."

Religion
Bleeding-Hands Man Gets Star Treatment
On the road to sainthood, it pays to have connections. A mystic with blood on his hands was scheduled to move a step closer to becoming a saint this week with Pope John Paul II's beatification of the Capuchin friar known as PADRE PIO. The cleric, who died in 1968, is a favorite of the Pontiff's and a cultlike figure to many other Catholics. Last year 7 million pilgrims--more than went to Lourdes--trekked to the remote hillside village of Italy's San Giovanni Rotondo, where he's buried; the village bustles with the construction of hotels and a church that will seat 7,500.

Padre Pio bled for 50 of his 81 years from mysterious, Christlike wounds on his hands, feet and side. Suspicious about the stigmata as well as his reputation for seeing visions and being in two places at once, the Vatican investigated the friar and curtailed his activities. But he was sought out by believers, including, in 1947, a Polish priest named Karol Wojtyla, who reportedly was told he'd someday be Pope. As Cracow's auxiliary bishop, Wojtyla asked Padre Pio to pray for a friend with cancer; she recovered, and is still alive. In 1983 the Pontiff put him on the path to sainthood, and the final step of canonization could come within the next decade. BY EMILY MITCHELL

Space
For Another $100 Million, We'll Throw in Ukraine
The Russians may launch an obscure Welsh-born, U.S.-based garbage-treatment tycoon into space--if he can come up with the $100 million needed to keep Mir aloft through 2000. The Russian government announced this year that it will have to wean Mir of funding this fall in order to pay for completion of the Russian modules for the International Space Station. So Energiya, the state corporation that built Mir, created a subsidiary to raise hard currency. That's when PETER LLEWELLYN, 51, head of Microlife, a Minnesota company specializing in waste disposal, heard his calling. Paunchy and with a graying beard, he is not quite the image of a NASA poster boy. But Energiya claims he's got the right stuff, that he's fit to fly and is a licensed pilot. Llewellyn, however, conceded to the Moscow Times that he's 112 lbs. overweight and, though he was certified to pilot a Cessna in 1976, has not flown a plane in 19 years. Still, Energiya says if Llewellyn can raise $100 million, he gets a week of room and board on Mir this August. BY ANDREW MEIER/MOSCOW

Top Shelf
LUCKY PICKLES All six NHL players with their own foodstuffs made it into the play-offs, and as of Friday all their teams were doing better than expected. Although the company that makes the locally sold products, PLB Sports, wasn't purposely trying to market to pregnant women, we have to wonder why they made pickles and peanut butter.

Webwatch
O.K., SO I BITE In order to prevent rogues from creating anti-Bush websites, George W. Bush has bought a hootenanny of URLs--60!--that send you to his main campaign website. Among them: