Sneak Preview: Ahmadinejad vs. Bush

"I suggest holding a live TV debate with Mr. George W. Bush to talk about world affairs and the ways to solve those issues," [Iranian President Mahmoud] Ahmadinejad told reporters.
—Reuters, Aug. 29

TIM RUSSERT: President Bush, President Ahmadinejad, I want to thank both of you for coming to Washington University in St. Louis for this important debate on world affairs.

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD: You are most welcome, journalistic swine.

GEORGE W. BUSH: I'd like to salute the people of St. Louis, who have rebounded from immense tragedy to embody the courage and will of the American people in their dreams of living in freedom.

RUSSERT: All due respect, sir, but I don't think St. Louis has had any immense tragedies recently.

BUSH: I am referring, of course, to the uninspired play this season of the Cardinals who, though hanging on to first place in the mediocre National League Central, seem doomed to fall to the upstart Mets come October. Mr. Ahmadinejad has repeatedly refused to engage in a serious debate over the mysterious pitching woes of former 20-game winner Mark Mulder, who now struggles with a plus-6.00 ERA despite his country's unparalleled atmosphere of opportunity and freedom.

AHMADINEJAD: As I have said before, the Cardinals, like all your bloated capitalistic teams, have too long relied on the formidable Albert Pujols to carry them offensively at the expense of cultivating young arms on its farm system, much like the formerly invincible U.S. has always depended on cheap labor from Third World countries and intellectual resources from Europe instead of developing a strong infrastructure.

RUSSERT: Gentlemen, I think we're getting away from the important issues here. Now, President Ahmadinejad, you mentioned the " formerly invincible U.S. " Do you really think —

BUSH: That movie demonstrated the resolve and freedom of the American people.

RUSSERT: Excuse me?

BUSH: Invincible, starring Mark Wahlberg as a down-on-his-luck bartender who never even played college football yet makes the Eagles — in Philadelphia, our country's symbol of liberty and freedom.

AHMADINEJAD: Like all Hollywood exports, the film was predictable and trite, burnishing the image of an American dream that is no longer achievable to anyone but those born into wealth. A wholly meretricious message.

BUSH: It was based on a true story, buddy. Fixing the facts around the policy of gripping entertainment is fair game.

RUSSERT: May I request the presidents stay on topics relevant to global affairs. Obviously, the recent arrests in London of 24 people allegedly attempting to explode several transatlantic planes has sent shock waves —

BUSH: Read my lips: Fergie's solo project, the smash single "London Bridge," will go down as the summer's freedom anthem of '06.

AHMADINEJAD: Without the backing support of the powerful Black Eyed Peas, Fergie, like the lapdog Tony Blair, warbles off-key to herself as the world ignores her abyss of talent.

RUSSERT: Okay, I heard "Tony Blair" in there. Let's talk about U.S.-British hegemony —

BUSH: You ever see America's Got Talent? Condi doesn't let me stay up that late, but I watched it on mute and saw an act where this woman changed her outfit every five seconds. Now, that's talent. And freedom for American women to wear different outfits, unlike their oppressed Iranian sisters.

AHMADINEJAD: Merely a visual metaphor for the mercurial alliances the opportunistic U.S. makes when the winds of political change shift, as well as a comment on its superficial, image-obsessed culture.

BUSH: Hey, I don't see a show called "Iran's Got Talent."

RUSSERT: Please! I thought we were convening for a debate on serious, crucial —

BUSH: Oh, man, I bet that Suri Cruise never shows up in public.

AHMADINEJAD: This is one issue on which Mr. Bush and I agree. The daughter of Cruise and Holmes is as nonexistent as the purported state of Israel.

BUSH: What is Tom Cruise thinking? His approval ratings are in a nosedive, yet he refuses to admit he made any mistakes or correct his behavior. How are his handlers letting this happen? If I were advising him, I'd tell him to do a Top Gun sequel, pronto. Americans love jets and flight suits. Also freedom.

AHMADINEJAD: You could bring back Goose in flashbacks ...

BUSH: Absolutely. This time, of course, the faceless enemy would be Islamic fundamentalists who are jealous of our freedom.

AHMADINEJAD: I see things a bit differently there, two-faced infidel cur, but otherwise I would be interested in collaborating on a screenplay with you.

BUSH: Good, because I need help with spelling and commas and stuff like that.

RUSSERT: On that conciliatory note, I think it's time to end this debate. Thanks to viewers in America and Iran and worldwide for tuning in and for your patience, thanks to Washington University in St. Louis for hosting, and thanks to both leaders for taking time out of their schedules to discuss the latest in sports, film, music, TV, and celebrity gossip.

BUSH: You forgot to thank Poland.

To read more of Teddy Wayne's writing, go to teddywayne.com