Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

Armey, Dick
• delight of at not being married to—and therefore not having to endure the "prattle" of—Salon editor-in-chief Joan Walsh is spontaneously expressed by

Blagojevich, Rod
• ranks of the unemployed are predictably joined by

Bush, George H. W.
• disinclination of to have sex with "one of the ugliest, angriest women I've ever seen" is recalled by

Catalanello, Robert
• lawsuit is filed against by man who claims to have been fired by after being labeled by as "a vegetarian homo"

Gingrey, Phil
• well-deserved criticism of Rush Limbaugh is offered by
• well-deserved criticism of Rush Limbaugh is quickly apologized for by

Grassley, Charles
• concerns of about pornography as economy collapses

Haggard, Ted
• ongoing struggle with sexual identity issues of is once again paraded across the nation's TV screens by

Joel, Billy
• not precisely an ode to

Kristol, Bill
• firing of by New York Times is bizarrely followed by hiring of by Washington Post

Kyl, Jon
• Republican strategy of rooting for Obama's stimulus package to fail in order to be able to triumphantly crow "we told you so" is revealed by

Madoff, Bernard
• hideous suffering of

mail
• possibility of no delivery of on Saturdays, or maybe Tuesdays

Morris, Errol
• photo editors are invited by to present key images from the George W. Bush era, with the stunning final three (by Reuters' Jim Bourg)—do scroll down!—hinting at the possibility that he at last has some glimmer of the miserable hash he made of, well, everything

Myers, Dee Dee
• Obama is deemed "the most famous living person in the history of the world" by

Nightline
• rumors of Kimmelization of time slot of

Obama, Barack
• effort of to shame the shameless
• lack of enthusiasm of al-Qaeda for

Obama, Michelle
• skepticism of at claims of company marketing "Sweet Sasha" and "Marvelous Malia" dolls that said dolls were certainly not based on daughters of named Sasha and Malia

octuplets
• birth of to parents of six children doubles population of family

Pence, Mike
• Rush Limbaugh is gushed about like a smitten schoolgirl by

PETA
• shock of that Super Bowl ad for—featuring women lasciviously rubbing bodies with various vegetables—is rejected by NBC

Pop, Iggy
• car insurance is hawked by

Rocker, John
• disparagement of Jews by

Rove, Karl
• overfed self compared to whale by

Saltsman, Chip
• withdrawal of from race for chairmanship of the Republican National Committee after holiday CD distributed by—featuring the songs "Barack the Magic Negro" and "The Star Spanglish Banner"—was widely seen as unhilarious

Simpson, Bart
• invitation to Scientology event is extended by robo-call by voice of

Simpson, Jessica
• media attention to weight gain of is decried by sister of

Social Science Quarterly
• study in March issue of posits that more crimes are committed by teens with weird first names

Starbucks
• ubiquity of continues to decline

Thriller
• Broadway stage production of is threatened by John Landis lawsuit against Michael Jackson

Updike, John
• passing of

Washington Times
• marketing of Bush collectibles by

Woodward, Bob
• prediction by about Obama administration calls for more nanny- and household tax-related scandals